Once again the world will be coming to an end as the widely prophesied Blood Moon prepares to destroy the universe! And it all happens this weekend! It might be happening right now, at this very moment!
Due to some sort of astronomical phenomenon ( namely a combination of lunar eclipse, which usually makes the moon look red, and the moon coming closer than usual to the earth) this Sunday night (US time) the moon will appear to be really big and really red. While sensible people will simply go, “Whoa! Cool!” and take lots of selfies with a big red thing in the background, the astronomically stupid are predicting the end of life on earth. According to them, this is all part of a “tetrad,” a fancy word that stupid people use in a futile attempt to sound smart. All it really means is that it’s the fourth lunar eclipse to come at six lunar month intervals and to land on Jewish holidays – September the 28th is the Feast of the Tabernacle. Funnily enough, it’s not the Jews freaking out but the Christians. According to the not-so-wise men, previous tetrads have been the harbingers of disaster. In 1492, the tetrad led to Jews being kicked out of Spain on the pretext that anyone who did not like ham must be up to no good. In 1948 it led to the Arab-Israeli war. And, worst of all, in 1982 it led to the birth of Nicki Minaj.
Most of the hysterics seem to be coming from Evangelical Christians and Mormons who think this all signals the second coming of the messiah, and hence the end of the world — because the messiah is just that kind of guy. Apparently, the Bible itself predicts this terrible event when Saint Peter says something along the lines of “the sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon shall become like unto blood, a Communist pope shall go to dinner with the Great Satan, and all men shall know that the great and terrible day of the Lord has arrived!” Peter the Rock. Peter the Rock-Headed, more like.
While it is usually the Evangelicals that come out looking as the biggest fools in these situations, this time it looks as if they are being outdone by the Mormons. Panic amongst the latter group has been so widespread that Utah stores are reporting massive increases in the sales of freeze-dried food, torches, blankets, and tin foil hats. In another surprise development, the main driver of the apocalyptic panic this time round is a woman called Julie Rowe, a Mormon who has been going on about the apocalypse for quite a while and who claims all sorts of nutty stuff usually reserved for the comic books. Frankly, I’m surprised she isn’t expecting Galactus to come round and eat everyone! I guess it all goes to show that the distaff side of the Mormon faith has worse things to answer for than Twilight.
Things have gotten so ridiculous that the heads of the Mormon Church have issued a half-assed “stay calm” announcement in which they tell their followers that no apocalypse is imminent but that they should always be prepared for adversity. Way to play both sides of the fence, doofuses. And NASA has jumped in by reassuring people that, no, the earth is not due to be hit by an asteroid this weekend. Stan Lee has also reassured the teeming hordes by pointing out that if Galactus does indeed return this Sunday, the Fantastic Four will be there to stop him, just as they have every other time!
The religious people can hunker down in their well-stocked basements all they want. But not me. No, I prefer to think that when the end comes it will be not at the hands of God’s son Jesus, but rather at the hands of Hank Pym’s son Ultron. That bastard has it in for the entire human race and the way he keeps evolving it’s just a matter of time before the Age of Ultron becomes all too real. And that, my friends, is at least six months away.
