Homophobes everywhere are in for a shock today after the Almighty Creator of Everything That Is cleared up a mistake that has long caused much rejoicing amongst many of his followers. Speaking to me earlier today, The Great And Wondrous One announced that, contrary to common belief amongst his adherents, he does not hate fags…
“I know it’s been reported widely that I hate fags, but I never said that. What I told Moses while he was writing Leviticus was that I hated stags! S-T-A-G-S! Not fags, stags!”
Surprised by this revelation I asked The Great And Holy One why he has such animosity towards the male of the deer species…
“Well, Pigster, I only made the stupid things to serve as a sort of primitive clotheslines, but it didn’t occur to me they would be so restless! Back when I was hanging out in Eden with that joker and his spare rib I would wash my robe till it was all sparkling white then drape it over a stag’s antlers so it could dry in the warm breeze that wafted eternally through paradise. Then I would sit under the Tree of Knowledge and doze off. By the time I awoke, the freaking stag had wandered off, taking my robe with him! Imagine – me, the Creator of All That Is standing there in nothing but a pair of baggy tighty whities! It’s undignified! So yeah, that’s what I told Moses when he was writing Leviticus – I hate stags. But you know, old Moses was always a bit of a dyslexic so things got lost in translation, so to speak. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some penguins to kill.”
Well, I hope this clears up this long-standing and really rather inconvenient mistake. Today, we must all agree, has been a very good day for fags, er…I mean homosexuals everywhere. For penguins, however, it is a different story.
Reaction to this morning’s interview with God has been swift and wide-reaching. After reading the interview Fred Phelps, Founder of Westoboro Baptist, immediately announced that he had wasted his time on earth barking up the wrong tree and that in his despair he would later this week be committing suicide by inhaling next to a Mexican.
More progressive members of the church have announced that they would from now on focus their righteous hatred on the true enemy of human morality – the stag. A representative told us that the church has just bought the domain godhatesstags.com and that starting Wednesday they will be picketing in front of zoos and national park gates…
“From now on, it shall be our holy mission to eradicate these robe-stealing, cud-chewing abominations from the face of the earth. Our signs will bear slogans such as “God Hates Stags, Why Don’t You?” and “Stags Are Lucifer In Disguise” as well as “God Kills Soldiers Because America Tolerates Stags!”
In response to Westboro’s new mission. Mr. GrassRunner Whitetail, president of the National Alliance Against Defamation of Deers as well as vice-president of the League of Oppressed Animals had this to say…
“What the fuck? What have we ever done to them?!?! All we do is hang out in the woods eating grass and leaves and stuff! Hey! Hey, these aren’t the bastards who killed Bambi’s mom, are they? Hey, you Westboro freaks — fuck you, you orphan makers!”
Perhaps not wishing to further inflame an already volatile state of affairs, PETA has yet to make a statement on the situation.
In what can only be taken as yet another indication of the insanity running rampant in Amerikan universities, feminists at Wellesley have set up a petition to get rid of the gentleman on the left. Seems that they find the rather slightly built man in question to be posing a sexual threat of some kind. The man, a Mr. Rapey McRaperson, who suffers from a severe form of somnambulism, has recently taken up residence on campus and his intimidating patriarchal presence is freaking out some of the campus feminists. According to a Lauren Walsh, who penned the petition demanding that Mr. McRaperson be expelled from campus, poor old Rapey has…
” …become a source of apprehension, fear, and triggering thoughts regarding sexual assault for many members of our campus community…”
When I contacted Ms Walsh to inform her that Mr. McRaperson was not an actual man but a cunningly realistic depiction of one, Ms. Walsh responded with…
“Well, of course he’s a statue now! I’m not stupid, you know! But what if he comes to life and starts raping everyone? Hey? What do you say to that, Mr. Man? Not as clever as you think you are, are you?”
Of course not – I didn’t go to Wellesley.
Backing up Walsh is Zoe Magid, who is also involved with the petition and who was very disheartened when the woman in charge of things was insensitive enough to say, in effect, “Lighten up, it’s just a statue for fuck’s sake!” Ms Magid had this to say about the boss-woman’s callousness…
“We were really disappointed that she seemed to articulate that she was glad it was starting discussion, but didn’t respond to the fact that it’s making students on campus feel unsafe, which is not appropriate. We really feel that if a piece of art makes students feel unsafe, that steps over a line. Furthermore, the kettle in the student lounge has recently been giving me lecherous looks. What does she intend to do about that?”
Feeling unsafe. Because of a statue. I wonder what such a woman does when she goes out to buy a dress? Put on a blindfold and have herself led around by the hand lest she accidentally behold a male mannequin and run screaming into the streets?
Also hell-bent on evicting Mr. McRaperson is the ironically named Annie Wang, who no doubt wants to make sure she is the only Wang at Wellesley…
“I think art’s intention is to confront, but not assault, and people can see this as assaulting,”
… Wang whined woefully.
As for being assaulted by a statue, I know some women have pretty weird sexual fantasies but this is a new one on me. Ms Wang also told us that she is really looking forward to next week’s campus showing of 2001: A Space Odyssey, adding that she was really sorry she missed it the last time it was on the History Channel.
So far, the petition has been signed by almost 400 people, most of whom are no doubt currently outpatients at some psychiatric clinic or other. The lone exception amongst this cabal of pinheads is my manager Michael, who couldn’t resist signing just so he could get some snark in…
“I am shocked and horrified that in this day and age vulnerable young women are still subjected to such rampant misogyny. I weep for this woman-hating world of ours and would like to apologize on behalf of my sex for any harm done by this latest salvo in the war on women.”
More Twilight Zone here.
Yes, that Alan Moore, the one who wrote Watchmen (unoriginal and boring crap) and V for Vendetta — the movie was very cool and not at all crap, can’t speak on the comics as Watchmen put me right off him.
While defending himself from charges that he is obsessed with rape, the ageing nutter decided to make some typically feminist claims about the nature of reality, i.e., he lied about it. Explaining to his fellow feminists at the Guardian why he does not avoid depictions of rape in his work, Moore blithers…
“sexual violence, including rape and domestic abuse, should also feature in my work where necessary or appropriate to a given narrative, the alternative being to imply that these things did not exist, or weren’t happening. This, given the scale upon which such events occur, would have seemed tantamount to the denial of a sexual holocaust, happening annually.”
A sexual holocaust? What, millions of women being rounded up and exterminated just for being women? If that’s happening the Worldwide Patriarchal Media Conspiracy is doing a great job of hiding it from yours truly. In fact, the few times when people are wiped out en masse the majority of the victims are usually males. It wasn’t thousands of Muslim women who were exterminated in the former Yugoslavia, Al, it was the menz. Being a writer, Moore knows the connotations attached to the word “holocaust” are primarily those to do with The Holocaust, but even if he was having a dumbass moment and wasn’t referring to Nazi Germany, we still have him using a word that can also describe a large, destructive fire – and I don’t see huge numbers of women being thrown onto bonfires, not around my neck of the woods.
He further flies his feminist flag by using the term “gender-related violence,” something which is probably meant to lump DV into the same category as race-related violence…
“(there are) relatively few murders in relation to the staggering number of rapes and other crimes of sexual or gender-related violence”
Yep, because some guy punching his girlfriend in the face belongs in the same category of crime as a couple of racists dragging a black man to his death behind their truck. Then there’s the fact that gay women are as likely to get beaten up by their partners as straight ones. I guess that’s “gender-based violence” too, right, Al? Or do suggestions of bigotry enter the picture only when the perp is a straight white male? I suspect Al’s answer would be “yes.” In fact, i’m surprised he didn’t throw in something about murder not being that big a deal because most of the victims of that particular crime are male…
Moore also whines that comic book fans, the adult ones, are avoiding reality. Coming from a man who claims to be a magician (the Merlin type, not the Houdini type) this is either a joke or a sign of incipient madness. Given Moore’s already clear disconnect from reality, my money is on the latter.
More Moore madness here.
Well, not really, but it’s still a bloody good sign of the times. While billionaire crooks get away with looting the global economy, three men in London are being charged with stealing food – from a dumpster! That’s right, it’s illegal to steal garbage. Nobody owns it, it’s going to end up in a landfill somewhere, yet it is illegal to take it. It’s a pity these men aren’t the rats that go through my rubbish bins – at least then they would have PETA on their side.
Seems last October three men living in a squat in London decided that the gnawing feeling in their guts wasn’t much fun, so they hopped over the wall of a supermarket’s yard and took a bunch of food from a skip, which is what the English call a dumpster (they do this to avoid confusion, as in England dumpster is slang for toilet). It wasn’t even fancy food, like caviar or truffles (mmmm… truffles…) it was just some tomatoes, mushrooms, cheese and some weird thing called Mr Kipling Cakes. After being caught, the criminal masterminds’ haul was returned to the supermarket, which, we can safely assume, promptly threw it back into the dumpster!
According to the scumbag authorities…
“…there is significant public interest in prosecuting these three individuals”.
This is how sick British society is becoming. These men did no harm, didn’t even cause any property damage, yet the trash in charge of the situation think it is in the public interest to lock them up for being poor and hungry. Can this be explained through anything other than sadism? Where is the gain otherwise? Unlike other forms of bastardry involving the poor there doesn’t seem to be anything of tangible value to gain from cases like this — it’s not like cutting welfare or education so more of the tax dollars can go into subsidizing the rich. It seems to be just a case of people in authority being bastards because they can be and a sign of how brutal and callous the Masters of Men truly are. As things get harder and harder for the common man, one would expect more leniency in such cases – but no, we would need to have actual human beings in power for shit like that to happen.
If Sweden is Saudi Arabia for men, Nigeria is Saudi Arabia for gays. Not just gay humans, either, but also gay felines. Some brainless twat of a woman has decided that she no longer wants her cat because he seems to be a bit on the gay side!
According to Leadership, which labels itself Nigeria’s most influential newspaper, this one is for real. A middle aged woman best known in her neighborhood for wearing tin foil hats has apparently divested herself of a male cat who has been her pet for the last seven years because he’s a little pink around the edges. Not only does the cat, who goes by the ironically macho name of “Bull”, make sexual advances only towards other male cats – who probably wonder what the fuck is going on – but none of the kittens born in the area seem to have his markings. This has led the cat’s owner, a retired circus pinhead from Lafia, Nasarawa State, to issue this historic, hysterical, and rather unlikely declaration…
“…anybody interested in this gay cat can have it because I have no further use of it.”
She later went on to accuse the cat of not only being a witch, but also of having played a key role in the Kennedy assassination. Could be worse – he could have been a Muslim cat, in which case the woman in question could have had him stoned to death.
I should point out that the cat in the picture is not actually Bull. I don’t even think he’s gay, he probably just pretends to be gay in order to get chicks.