For the minority of readers who don’t already know, Nathan Phillips, a.k.a Nathan Stanard, a.k.a Nathan Berkowitz, a.k.a Wayne Newton’s Cousin, a.k.a Chief Shifty Bastard, a.k.a Spongebob Squarepants, a.k.a Taylor Swift, is the elderly man who recently caused a media storm after accosting a group of adolescent boys wearing MAGA hats at a rally celebrating the 450th birthday of Pocahontas, a Native American woman famous for leading Lewis and Clarke into a Louisiana swamp and starting the annual camel races in Topeka, Kansas. Readers will also remember that Mr. Phillips made many claims about the above encounter which were later contradicted by full footage of the confrontation, which showed that the boys did not, as Phillips has claimed, chant “Build the wall” but rather “Bill is small,” a reference to a rumour started many years ago by Paula Jones.
It will also be remembered that Mr. Phillips lied about having been in Vietnam during the war, and that he is not, as he has also claimed, the midget who played the main Ewok in The Empire Strikes Back. But now, thanks to some clever investigative work by yours truly, it can be revealed that Mr. Phillips is not even a Native American! He is, in fact, a white insurance salesman named James Fotherington the 3rd!
While never taking part in any actual wars, federal records show that Mr. Fotherington was in fact in the armed services, and stationed in Petaluma, California where he fixed refrigerators and air conditioning units. It was here, in 1973, that his problems began. During one of the few days when he wasn’t AWOL and hanging around with hookers in Vegas, Mr. Fotherington was ordered to fix some refrigeration units in the base’s kitchen. It was then that a carelessly balanced refrigerator fell on his head, knocking him senseless and putting him in a five month coma. When he awoke, Fotherington was now convinced that he was a Native American man who had once been Crazy Horse’s valet. Nothing that he was told or shown could dissuade him from this delusion, not even a mirror or photos of his white family, both of which he insisted were optical illusions conjured up by a Republican PR firm.
Obtaining an honourable discharge on the basis of permanent disability and incurable stupidity, Fotherington then proceeded to use the trust fund left to him by his grandfather, feather pillow magnate James Fotherington the First, to transform himself into his vision of the perfect “Indian.” He travelled to Mexico, where he claimed to be a descendant of Pancho Villa and the inventor of Chilli Con Carne. “Before i came along it was Chilli Con Piedras,” he told one local. It was while in Mexico that Fotherington had cheek implants put in place and had his ears enlarged. He then moved to Michigan, where he took out a lifetime membership at Blisters Galore, the state’s most popular chain of tanning salons, and purchased a lifetime supply of “Chief Fake Red Man’s Sunless Tanning Lotion.”
By the mid 1980s, having wasted what was left of his trust fund on unwise investments – Fotherington was the primary investor in a driving school for Chinese women – and now firmly entrenched in his “Native American” persona, Fotherington just barely managed to support himself by selling used teepees to hippies left over from the 1960s. In the early 2000s, as his customers started dying out due to so many decades of too much marijuana and not enough protein, Fotherington realized that there was more money in activism than in second hand camping gear so he joined the local tribal council, got a Facebook account, and started going on about the problems of Native Americans, something of which there is no shortage. In 2016, while serving a community sentence over a scuffle with an Italian whom he suspected of being a descendant of Christopher Columbus, he told his supervisor “If only someday i can take my little drum and stir up a really big fuss and get my face all over the media, then i can set up a GoFundMe page, and finally start raking in some real dough.” And the rest, as they say, is fake news.
As anyone with an IQ higher than a haddock’s could have predicted as soon as the news hit the fan, that poor girl’s death has become the latest excuse to hate on men.
Out comes the hate speech about toxic masculinity, patriarchal this and that, men’s violence against women, and all that crap about how disrespecting The Sacred Sex puts you on the same spectrum as murdering scumbags like Codey Herrmann. We in the MRM know this is just a huge pile of well-sugared kangaroo turds, but what some of us don’t seem to know is that we ain’t the only ones. The feminists – or at least the feminist leadership — also know this. They are not nice little people making a terrible mistake while trying to make the world a better place for women, they KNOW they are lying about the causes of this violence and they do not care.
We know they know this because we are the ones who told them that they are wrong. Thanks to the advent of social media (there’s a phrase you won’t hear me say often) we are now able to partly break through the walls of the feminist echo chamber and confront them with the truth. Virtually every feminist taking to the internet and the airwaves to blame this death on patriarchy etc has had the real facts about violence waved under their upturned noses. They KNOW that the great majority of woman-killers are not patriarchal monsters in need of PC education. They KNOW that teaching boys to respect women will do nothing to stop the sick few from raping and murdering. Hell, if this turd who killed Aiia Maasarwe had been gay he would have raped and killed a boy – just like Jeffrey Dahmer did to so many! Do feminists really believe that men like Dahmer need to be taught respect for their own sex? No. They are simply not that stupid.
So if they KNOW they are talking shit, why do they not shut their shit-holes? Simple – because they do not care about women like Aiia Maasarwe, or any other woman meeting her end at the hands of some psycho. Vilifying men, not protecting women, is the primary goal. Make no mistake about that. This is why they ignore all the research showing that most men who commit domestic violence are driven by things other than the desire to oppress women. This is why they ignore the fact that DV is just as common amongst lesbians as it is amongst heterosexuals. This is why they ignore the fact that a murderous man is far more likely to kill a man than a woman. This is why when the police give the only sound advice that can be given in these cases – to stay out of dark areas in the middle of the night – they are shouted down by screeching hordes of virtue-signalling harpies.
They know they are lying, but they will continue to do so for this is what has to be done when your primary purpose is to vilify all men by putting them on a “misogyny spectrum” that starts with watching a sexy girl on TV (as in the Gillette ad) and ends with raping and murdering every woman in sight! By doing this they imply that we are all potential murderers, and this in turn – they hope – will lead to men and boys being too psychologically damaged to fight back against an increasingly gynocentric society. And if all this patriarchy-blaming leads to women implementing fake solutions to real problems, who cares? It is rarely a feminist leader who gets raped and murdered in the middle of the night by some psycho. For one thing, most of those women are too old and/or ugly to appeal to these guys, and for another they are well off and living in the safe parts of the city, often in expensive apartments guarded by – you guessed it – men! The women who end up dead are not important, for they are not part of the feminist aristocracy. They are not of the elite, and they never will be. They are mere cannon fodder in a war on men, a war which is not meant to benefit all women, but only the women that matter – the feminist leadership.
I am constantly being harassed by women who seem to find me inexplicably attractive. How can a tall, handsome woman-hater like myself keep the howling feminine hordes at bay without chopping off his legs and sticking his face in one of those old-fashioned metal fans?
Thanks for your help,
Too Hunky 2 B Happy
Dear Too Hunky 2 B Happy,
I know how you feel. Handsome swine that i am, i often find myself the object of unwanted female attention. Being not exactly the mildest of men, i find that the words “Fuck off, you silly cow,” usually have the desired effect. You, however, may want a more civil alternative. Try not using deodorant or aftershave for a few months. If that doesn’t work, try not bathing till the next presidential elections – if anyone asks why you smell so bad just tell them you are a member of Antifa protesting the Trump administration’s treatment of albino transgender dwarves. And if none of that works, try this one – every time you are approached by one of the annoying creatures, simply pick your nose and wipe it on your hair. If this does not work, you should try picking your nose and wiping it on her hair.
My wife is really getting on my nerves. As we live in a patriarchy i am pretty certain i could get away with killing her, but then who would remove the blood stains from the carpet?
Dear Lazy Bastard,
One of the many male woes that goes unnoticed by the MSM is the cost of clean up after the act of uxoricide. Sure, our patriarchal society is not going to lock a man up just for killing his wife, but if the killing is especially messy the man in question can be driven to despair — or at the very least be severely inconvenienced. There was a case in Utah where a Mormon didn’t just kill his wife, he killed all his wives – with a chainsaw! It took him days to remove all the blood from the sofa and living room carpets, and he had to get up on a ladder to remove the entrails from the chandeliers! And the poor guy’s afraid of heights!
Of course, this can all be avoided if you get rid of your wife in a less messy way. Try telling her that you have found a barge full of brand new shoes just under the Golden Gate bridge. Drive her out there, and when she looks over and whines that she can’t see any shoes, just give her a good push. If you are lucky, a passing patriarch may even help you with the task.
Dear Mr. Pig
I am a young man who is being constantly told by the mainstream media and various celebrities and other authority figures that men are jerks. Not being much of a jerk, this is all leading me to feel less manly than the other guys. My question, then, is how can i be more of a jerk and therefore more manly?
2 Nice 2 B A Man
New York, Montana
Dear 2 Nice 2 B A Man
Yours is a common predicament amongst men of your generation. You are constantly told that to be a man is to be a jerk, so of course you feel that you don’t measure up! This is understandable and, indeed, predictable. Being a total jerk myself i do not have this problem but i do know how a nice, average guy can go about becoming a jerk in no time flat.
Manliness is all about hating on those who are different to you, so i suggest that you go and hurt a homosexual’s feelings by telling him that Lady Gaga is Trump’s illegitimate daughter and that all her songs are secretly written by Ted Nugent. You might also want to burst into a mosque and throw pork sausages at everyone while shouting “Suck on those you Muslim faggots!” Hating people of a different race is good too, so you should join the Klan and hang around Stormfront — unless you’re black, in which case you should join Black Lives Matter and hang around Twitter. And if all this fails to make you look like a total and utter jerk, try saying a friendly hello to an attractive young woman.