Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider who,
In a rather awkward way,
Said something mildly offensive
In an attempt to lead Little Miss Muffet astray.
So Little Miss Muffet had the spider
Squished by a Twitter mob,
Which really ruined the spider’s day!
Once upon a time, the cat tribe and the weasel tribe lived harmoniously in a great big forest. It was a very dark forest, but luckily the weasels had created a magical sun made up of a transparent glass sphere, a small cranking machine, and a lot of wishful thinking. Thanks to the magical sun machine, even on the cloudiest of days and the darkest of nights, the cats and the weasels could all go about their business without running into trees and rocks or falling into the stream, something the cats were especially unfond of.
For a long, long time everything was fine and dandy in the big, dark forest. Then a faction of radical cats rose up and said that all the weasels were bad, egregious, and downright horrible and must be driven out of the forest. “We find you offensive, unacceptable and terribly oppressive. Take your weasel selves and your weasely ways and leave our forest!”
And so the weasels, somewhat miffed at their treatment, left the forest and took their weasely ways and their magical sun machine with them. And soon the cats were stumbling around in the dark, stubbing their little kitty toesies on fallen trees and nasty rocks, tumbling into the stream on a regular basis, and cursing those awful, selfish weasels for having gone away.
As for the weasels, they found a new forest just as big and just as dark as the old one. True, they now had to make their own sandwiches, but anybody who can make a magical sun machine can certainly learn to make sandwiches! And so the weasels lived happily ever after, while the cats spent the rest of eternity groping around in the dark, wondering where the hell everything was, and cursing the weasels, their weasely tails, and their weasely ways.
Moral of story – Weasels invented the light bulb, and pretty much everything else, so get over it already.
Latest in the ongoing avalanche of accusations of sexual harassment levied at male feminists is this one in the Huffpo, in which some woman claims that Al Franken grabbed her ass – at a function honoring women in politics!
“The first woman, a 38-year-old book editor who was living in Minneapolis at the time, told HuffPost that she had just finished performing with a feminist choir ( Edit – LOL! ) at the Women’s Political Caucus event, which Franken and his wife, Franni Bryson, attended. After the ceremony, she and other members of the choir approached him for photos…”I saw him and asked if we could take a photo together for my mother, and we stood next to each other … and down his hand went.”
Now, i’m not sure how seriously we should take an accusation of sexist behavior from a woman sexist enough to be in a feminist choir, but if true this does show some very serious chutzpah on Franken’s part! Kinda like showing up at a Katy Perry concert wearing a Taylor Swift t-shirt! But i’m not here to discuss why Taylor Swift is better than Katy Perry, or why the cute, girly Taylor was so much better than the Darkling Bitch Taylor. No, today’s topic is “What The Fuck Is Wrong With Male Feminists?” Why are so many of the guys being outed for sexually harassing — even sexually assaulting — women the kind of grandstanding liberals who habitually make such a big deal out of being “allies” or even straight-out feminists?
Personally, i think the answer to this is pretty simple – it’s all part of a deliberate and conscious strategy by these sexual predators. If you want to cover up your bad behavior with the cottage cheese-brained sex, what better way than to continually go on about how wonderful the little pinheads are? Most people being fairly simple creatures, they are less likely to believe claims of sexual impropriety levied against those who profess themselves champions of women’s rights than similar stories hurled at those of us who openly declare that women are just a couple of steps above chimpanzees in terms of morality and intellectual capacity. Until the Harveywood scandal blew up in everyone’s faces, a lot of liberal dullards would have thought, “Al Franken would never do such a thing, he’s a professed worshipper of women!” But when Bill O’Reilly was accused, nobody batted an eyelid because, you know, not being a screeching male feminist he must hate women. It’s a simple enough tactic, like the latent homosexual who hides his proclivities behind a steady stream of homophobic “jokes,” and until recently the post-modern liberals have been too stupid to catch on – just think of how long Bill Clinton has gotten away with his shit by kissing feminist ass at every turn. But now the jig is up. The darkness inside male feminists has seeped out into the real world, the dragons have been exposed and their White Knight façades lie crumpled on the bathroom floor, just like Harvey Weinstein’s bathrobe, and from now on even the post-modern woman will be wary of being left alone with some guy who won’t stop bleating lest he be just another compulsively wanking wolf like Louis CK or a butt-grabbing, tongue-slipping hypocrite like Franken.
So, what is a woman to do when looking for male company in these dark and dangerous times when even the creator of feminist icon Buffy the Vampire Slayer sits under a cloud, muttering about how it’s all really just the patriarchy’s fault? Well, i say it’s time you ladies sought out the self-declared misogynists, the chauvinists, the sexist Neanderthals – indeed, the Pig Men. After all, experience shows that i might tell you that your head is full of cottage cheese, but at least i won’t pin you down and fuck you against your will – it’s not like i’m a male feminist or anything!
In an article to be published in next month’s issue of the prestigious Harvard Journal of
Medical Science, Dr. Jonathon Naylor reveals the astonishing findings of his latest
research into the differences between the male and female brains.
According to Dr. Naylor, a Professor of Neuro-science at Johns Hopkins, he and his team
spent several weeks examining the brains of over 1000 female volunteers using X-rays
and MRI imaging and were astonished to find not the expected brain tissue, but rather a
lumpy, curdy substance known to the layman as cottage cheese.
“We were astonished, “ the professor told our reporter. “Instead of actual brains, it seems
that the heads of virtually all women are filled with cottage cheese. It isn’t even high
quality, fancy, cottage cheese, but the cheap crap you buy at Wal-Mart when nobody you
know is looking.”
He continued, while helping his female assistant to figure out her left
hand from her right by teaching her that “L” thing usually reserved for small children,
“How women manage to get anything done with what amounts to no brains at all is a
great mystery. It does, however, finally explain certain noted female eccentricities such
as not being able to figure out how to turn on a light switch without help from the nearest
In our politically correct climate, the professor is quick to allay any fears of sexism. “I
should point out that, of course, this research does not apply to all females – just the
They fought the leftists, they served the plutocrats,
Exiled the socialists, kissed the asses of Democrats.
They indoctrinated the kids in their universities,
Filling their heads with post-modern perversities.
They tore the reason out of academia, drove all the professors bats,
Threw away their mortar boards, replaced them with pussy hats.
And tweeted their outrage late into the night,
Virtue signaling with all their righteous might!
They redefined and redefined, then redefined some more,
Till X was Y, and none could tell the ceiling from the floor.
Till assent was dissent, and reality was thoroughly bent.
Till words were violence, till free speech was silence.
Till virtue was vice, and cats were mice.
They corrupted the judges and polluted the sports,
And were easily triggered, but only by others’ faults.
In false virtue they were clad, as they confused good with bad,
Black with white, and sanity with an unhealthy dose of mad.
They sipped their lattes, they preened their blue hair.
And if Western civilization goes to hell?
Well, it’s not as if they care!