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Hollywood Liberals To Protest Trump Inauguration By Committing Mass Suicide

Hollywood Liberals To Protest Trump Inauguration By Committing Mass Suicide published on

Having finally realized that nothing short of Armageddon will stop Captain Cheeto setting up residence in the White House, Hollywood’s liberals have decided to stage one final, desperate protest by killing themselves in droves. Precisely what this is supposed to achieve is difficult to say, but i for one warmly and wholeheartedly welcome this new bout of liberal petulance.

Lady Gaga, the fascist pop singer who spent months encouraging delegates to stage a soft coup against the president-elect, plans to kill herself by combining four of her most famous attention-getting devices – she will strip naked, then cover herself in meat and walk into a giant meat grinder while singing about being a rape victim with PTSD.

Liberal icon Michael Moore has chosen a less painful, but equally effective way to go…

“I plan to inhale while standing next to a Mexican,” he told our correspondent. When asked if this was not a dreadfully racist thing to say, Moore responded, “Hey, like most liberals i love their cheap labor, but don’t get me started on their hygiene standards. Every time my housekeeper comes over i have wear a gas mask for the rest of the day!”

Actor, comedian, and all-around jerk Alec Baldwin released a statement today in which he claimed, “Nothing could be worse than living in a world ruled by that little pig Donald Trump, so i plan to commit suicide by walking into a meeting of the Black Panthers and shouting, “You niggers can all suck my white dick – just like yo mommas did!” No word on whether or not the rest of the SNL cast will be joining him.

Bruce Springsteen, a rocker once known for singing about working class woes but these days best remembered for kissing Hillary Clinton’s ass, has promised to shuffle off this mortal coil by going down to a dry river bed, drenching himself in kerosene and setting himself alight. When asked why he chose kerosene over more easily available accelerants such as petrol, Springsteen told us that he deliberately chose a slow-burning fuel so that he would have enough time to sing at least one verse of “I’m On Fire.”

Lena Dunham – a flaccid, butterfaced, butterbodied nothing of a woman who reneged on her promise to rid the U.S of her presence if Trump won – has decided to go out in the same narcissistic, self-obsessed manner in which she lived. After whining lugubriously that she refuses to live in a world ruled by someone who actually married and had a kid with “a fucking foreign whore,” Dunham told our correspondent that she will kill herself by sitting in front of a mirror and gazing steadily at her own hideous visage for thirty minutes, after which time it is expected that she will drop dead from the sheer horror of the experience. In an interesting side note, the mirror in question is a one-off made from polished titanium, regular glass mirrors being unable to withstand Dunham’s smug mug for more than five seconds.

Famous singer, withered old cadaver, and largely unwanted mother Madonna has announced that she will take herself out by finally delivering on her infamous promise to blow everyone who voted for Hillary Clinton. The event, to be held in a swimming pool and broadcast live on CNN, will feature Ms Ciccone blowing all 30 million men who voted for Clinton, and will end with 30 million simultaneous cum shots. Yes, Madonna plans to die as she lived – drowning in semen!

But Hollywood liberals aren’t the only ones seizing the day. It is expected that millions of pinheaded celebrity worshippers will be eager to follow in their idols’ footsteps and so, always looking to make a quick shekel, Starbucks has gotten in on the act by offering cyanide-filled lattes come the 20th of January. In a one time only offer, all lattes will include a “Trump Can Kiss My Dead Ass” t-shirt, and a bumper sticker reading, “How you like me now, Republican bitches?” All this for the low, low price of $750.

And the entire New York chapter of the ACLU is planning to behead themselves with scythes, in honor of their oppressed Muslim friends in ISIS. This one seems a bit tricky to me. The average liberal can barely even operate a spoon properly, how these guys will manage to commit suicide in such an awkward way is a mystery – perhaps they can fly in some ISIS members to help them. Wait, did i say ISIS members? Sorry, i meant to say Syrian refugees.

Cry, Miley, Cry. Then Go Jump In A Volcano.

Cry, Miley, Cry. Then Go Jump In A Volcano. published on

My reaction to this post at The_Donald was to literally laugh out loud! Here’s Miley Cyrus literally crying about Trump’s surprise victory and going on about how Clinton has given her life to serve the American public! What a loser this kid turned out to be! She actually claims to have an open heart — which, these days, means that you back a neo-conservative child-killer. As for her open mind, she’s right about that — it must be very open, which explains why people keep shoveling shit into it. And the arrogance of offering to set that terrible, terrible man straight! He’s been alive three times longer than she has and she thinks she has something to teach him? Talk about teaching your grandfather how to suck eggs! This, boys and girls, is schadenfreude at its best…

Madonna Threatens To Fellate Clinton Supporters

Madonna Threatens To Fellate Clinton Supporters published on

We all know that if there is one thing Donald Trump lacks, it’s celebrity supporters. Holy shit, you can count them all on one short-fingered hand! The bright side to this dark situation is that even if Trump goes down in flames he will have done us all the favor of revealing just how plutocratic showbiz has become. Here they are, faced with the choice of a neo-liberal, neo-conservative warmonger vs. a more old fashioned type of conservative, and who do they side with? Yep — the far right woman who wants to make the celebs’ stock portfolio fatter and fatter with every quarter. Choosing far-right over center-right – so much for “left wing” Hollywood!

Apparently, though, not all celebs are trying to get Psycho Granny into the White House, as we found out recently when Madonna — a withered, botoxed old thing that used to be quite popular at around the time that the Wright Brothers started fooling around with their famous contraption — made this surprise statement in front of a group of retarded SJWs who had come to worship at the flabby altar of Amy Schumer…

“If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blowjob. OK? I’m really good. I’m not a douche, and I’m not a tool. I take my time, I have a lot of eye contact, and I do swallow.”

Now, the naïve amongst us have taken that as an encouragement for dudes to go out and vote for Clinton. But who in their right mind would want a blowjob from a dried up old mummy like Madonna? Nobody, and Madge knows it. I mean, she even threatens to look into the recipient’s eyes as she “swallows the snake” so that the poor bastard won’t be able to pretend he’s being blown by an attractive woman! And speaking of swallowing, what can the mention that she swallows be other than a threat to give the guy herpes and whatever other shit you can get from an unprotected blowjob? I mean, she can’t swallow if the poor bastard is wearing a condom, can she? And then there is also the threat to take her time. No sixty second sucky-suck here! Oh, no! The horror will go on for at least five minutes, minutes which, under such circumstances, will feel like eons. It’s possible, of course that the poor old bat is so senile that she thinks someone might actually want a blowjob from her sandpaper mouth, but i doubt it. No, as i see it, this is Madonna’s attempt to make up for all the bad shit she has done in the past by helping to get the lesser of the two evils into the chair in which, ironically, Hillary Clinton’s husband used to get his dick sucked!

And it’s working, too! As of the writing of this piece, the NY Times is claiming that roughly 50 million American men have reported that they will be changing their vote from Clinton to Trump in order to avoid getting their wieners covered in the dust of the ages. The tactic has proven so successful that even illegal Mexican immigrants have promised to vote Trump! According to the Times, one such man, an aspiring gardener just freshly arrived in Los Angeles, was quoted as saying…

“No quiero BJ de Madonna! Dios mio, no! NO! Trump es bueno! Yo voto para Trump. No Madonna! Per favor, no Madonna!”

For all you deplorable, non-multicultural bastards out there, this translates roughly as “A blowjob from a woman older than my grandmother?!?!?! I’d rather stick my dick in a blender!”

And so i salute you, Ms. Ciccone, for at long last lending your mouth to a good cause. Of course, not all men surrender so easily and that leaves about 70 million blowjobs for Madge to deliver on come (heh, heh) November 8th. 70 million blowjobs in a day. Sounds like tough work! But don’t worry, boys – it’s nothing Madge hasn’t done before! I just hope she remembers to take along plenty of Alka- Seltzer…

Celebrities – They Aren’t Ignorant, They Are Just Plain Evil!

Celebrities – They Aren’t Ignorant, They Are Just Plain Evil! published on

When i say “evil” i am not here speaking of all celebs – Howdy Doody and Elmo, i am pretty certain, are not evil. No, the celeb trash i speak of here are the scum supporting Hillary Clinton.

howdy doody elmo not evil
Howdy Doody and Elmo — possibly the only celebrities who are not evil.

Let’s get one thing straight – Clinton’s celebrity supporters are people of merely average intelligence, some of them may even be literally stupid, but none of them are ignorant. Every single one of these scumbag pieces of shit knows exactly what they are supporting. They know this is a woman who voted for the Iraq war and then defended her evil decision for many years. They know this is a woman who helped to blow up dozens, possibly hundreds, of Pakistani Muslims with drone strikes. They know this is a woman so likely to start another mass slaughter in the Arab world that she has the backing of the neo-conservative establishment despite the fact that most of them are Republicans! They know this is a woman who supported the TPP until it became inconvenient to do so and that she will almost certainly revert to supporting it once she’s sitting in that chair that her husband used to get his dick sucked in.

All these things the De Niros, Clooneys, Damons, Gagas and countless other pieces of subhuman, pseudo-leftist Hollywood trash know – and you know how we know they know? Because we told them so. Gone are the days when celebrities could plead ignorance. Nowadays, most of them have social media accounts, and the few who don’t have them have celebrity friends who do have them. And what happens on these Facebook and Twitter accounts? People tell them what’s what, that’s what. All of these neo-liberal, neo-conservative piles of turd have been told by ordinary folks that their backing of Psycho Granny is a recipe for further corporate tyranny and a few more deserts running red with blood. They know fully well that what they are doing is backing a plutocracy-serving, war-mongering Democrat over a center-right, anti-establishment Republican who is more inclined to do things the old fashioned way – you know, like not slaughtering 100s of thousands of innocents for fun and profit. And incidentally, you know why i think Trump is anti-establishment? Because the establishment is so anti-Trump, that’s why.

But back to the scum supporting Clinton. All this neo-liberalism and neo-conservative crap is fine with them because they are, despite their politically correct posturing, a bunch of filthy 1 percenters. Like the heads of the corporations that they own stock in, Hollywood’s elite want more cheap labor, they want corporations suing states for interfering with their profits, and they want the rocketing stock prices that come when corporations make a fortune selling weapons that will be used to blow up yet some other hapless country. Greed and evil, that’s what Hollywood’s support for the Clinton campaign all comes down to. But ignorance, that doesn’t even enter into it these days. Your average pro-Clinton supporter on the street, yes they can often plead ignorance (on Facebook, one woman told me that my accusing Clinton of being both a neo-liberal and a neo-conservative was as ridiculous as claiming she was both a left winger and a right winger!) but not the celebs who are often, and often against their will, given fact after fact after fact by the more decent members of things like Facebook and Twitter.

And if Clinton wins, God forbid, you can bet that once she starts her first little war or passes the TPP, all these celebrity scum will plead ignorance — “Oh, but how could we possibly have known what a dreadful, dreadful woman she would turn out to be?!?!?!” they will all wail while wringing their hands and shedding CGI tears. And, alas, most of the public will buy this show of third rate theatricality and rush to not only believe, but to also console and comfort these psychopathic liars. But those of us who can still think for ourselves won’t, for we will remember that Clinton’s celebrity supporters already knew what a monster she would be – because we are the ones who told them.

PS

Vote Trump – He Ain’t That Bad!

Why David Bowie Mattered

Why David Bowie Mattered published on

As everyone knows by now, poor old David Jones has died a somewhat untimely death thanks to that bastard thing called cancer. As has become de rigeur on such occasions, everyone has taken to social media to bemoan the passing of someone whose work they probably haven’t given a shit about in years. Hell, I would be willing to bet a lot of the younger attention seekers didn’t even know who Bowie was until the news hit, or simply thought of him as “Some old guy that my dad likes.” As usual, everyone loves you once you are dead…

I am not about to eulogize Bowie. I am not going to go on about how remarkable it is that he managed to turn out so many good songs over so many decades, or how big an influence he was on today’s rather inferior crop of singer-“song-writers.” Like most people, I didn’t even pay any real attention to his last album release – but unlike so many of those people I am not about to pretend I bought it soon as it hit the stores. Hell, I just looked it up and “Blackstar,” the single, peaked at only 129 in the UK! Yet, now that the poor bastard has kicked the bucket, everyone is acting like he was Jesus in order to horn in on the nigh-pornographic thrill of yet another celebrity death. Like I said, everyone loves you once you are dead…

What I will do is go on about how Bowie mattered as a human male. To me, and I am far from alone in this, Bowie was an icon of two things – male creativity and male rebellion against gender roles. In a world in which most of the creative people are male, yet in which, paradoxically, being creative is seen as not such a male thing to do, Bowie was one of the few male figures known primarily for his creativity. Not his popularity, or his good looks, or his ability to take a lot of drugs and then die young, but primarily for being one incredibly creative bastard. The willfully eccentric music; the wild costumes; the makeup; the use of different personas at a time when such things could still be called creativity rather than mere cheap ploys for attention; even the unexpectedly skillful acting, especially notable in pieces like The Man Who Fell To Earth, all these things labeled David Bowie as “an artist” and a male one at that. This then, is the first reason why Bowie mattered – his full-on commitment to creativity made it more okay for a man to be “artsy” in a world where most people would still prefer that we played football instead.

Then there’s that gender rebellion thing. Eccentric even for an Englishman, Bowie gave the impression that he didn’t care in the slightest if you thought he was some poofy weirdo. He dressed different, acted different, and he was even – Shock! Horror! – a bit on the effeminate and delicate side! Other than what appears to have been a very brief flirtation with bisexuality, Bowie seems to have been basically heterosexual – all those wives and kids, you know – and this made his somewhat delicate ways much more subversive than those of gay stars. For gay males to be rather…er…gay means little – for a man with a wife and kids to be acting a bit “fruity” is a real kick in the teeth of those who would prefer men to stay in their place. That is true even today, but even more so in the old days when a teenage Bowie set up the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Long-Haired Men because he was sick of people calling him “darling”! Nowadays, nobody gives a shit if a man has long hair, in part because men like Bowie have made it a bit more acceptable for men to express themselves and their individuality in a variety of ways. The gender cage is still there, but thanks to Bowie and others like him, it is a bit bigger than it used to be.

And that folks, is why I think Bowie mattered – not because of his great music, but because he made the lives of men and boys a bit better, a bit freer, a bit happier, in a society that really couldn’t care less about the happiness of men and boys. For that, we owe old Dave a nod of respect and the wish that, if the religious people are right and there is life after death, he ends up in the right place!