New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet has today penned and published a piece that, he claims, is the culmination of fully three hours of research on internet conspiracy sites.
Baquet claims in the article “Trump – The Truth As Only The Times Can Tell It” that Donald Trump, the former reality TV star and current media pincushion, is quite literally the most evil man the world has ever seen. Baquet claims in the piece that a renowned collector of tinfoil hats, who regularly and unsuccessfully asks him for spare change, last night tipped him off to the internet forum NonsenseConspiracies.com, a site best known to political junkies for insisting that J. Edgar Hoover and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man are in fact the same person.
After rushing home and joining the aforementioned forum using the cunning alias “DefinitelyNotDeanBaquet,” the Pulitzer prize winner proceeded to comb his way through the threads until he bumped into a mysterious character going by the handle “BubbaDRaper.” This shadowy figure in turn sent him down a rabbit hole that eventually wound up at one of StormFront’s “dark web” forums. It was here that Baquet’s search finally led him to one Dr. Otto Von Schnitzel, a nonagenarian who was to reveal the hideous and terrible truth about the man with the dead hamster on his head…
According to Baquet, Von Schnitzel told him that “back in the day” he was the head of the Third Reich’s cryogenics division and therefore also in charge of the mysterious and highly secret “Project Orange.” The aim of “Project Orange” was to save the Fuhrer’s brain after he was killed in that bunker towards the end of the war. According to Von Schnitzel, the claim that his glorious leader committed suicide is a filthy lie propagated by the Worldwide Zionist Conspiracy. The truth, says Dr. Von Schnitzel, is that the great man was actually killed by an exploding suppository, and his brain then scooped out of what remained of his ass.
The brain in question was originally intended for a cryogenic chamber until a suitable host body was available, but as “those Zionist schweine der Amerikaner” had blown up all the Reich’s secret scientific facilities, the brain instead ended up being flown to Mexico. Here it was kept in a cooler for eleven years while the body that we now know as Donald J. Trump was being grown in a bathtub filled with strange and rare chemicals with unpronounceable names, one dead hamster, and several thousand Cheetos by a certain Dr. Hans Herringficker, the “man” once outed by Alex Jones as the leader of the lizard people. Once the body had reached maturity, the Fuhrer’s brain was plopped into its new, brightly colored noggin and the rebooted tyrant was then smuggled into the United States in a van full of taco fixings and badly made piñatas, and the rest is history.
While some may remain skeptical of such a tale coming from such dubious sources, Baquet has no such qualms…
“It all makes perfect sense,” he writes, “as Trump has always shown a suspicious tendency to build gas chambers in his backyard and to refer to Barack Obama as “President Jigaboo.”
Baquet also claims that, according to Von Schnitzel, the true agenda of the Trump-Hitler camp is to declare a Thousand Year Reich, and set up a fascist state in which everyone will have to wear a dead hamster on their head or be subject to execution by drones commandeered from Hillary Clinton’s private collection. Even more shocking is Baquet’s claim that Trump intends to save money on deportation by killing illegal immigrants and selling their carcasses to Mexico for use in their tacos. This, Baquet tells us, is also how Trump plans to get Mexico to finance his much vaunted Wall. He also reveals that the Trump-Hitler camp is very confident of victory, and quotes Dr. Von Schnitzel as saying…
“Ve are certain to vin, if only der glorious Fuhrer can stop himzelf from zaying things like, ‘Deportation? Fuck deportation, let’s just kill all the Mexicans!’”
At this point, Baquet’s article descends into some sort of rambling rant about the evils of mayonnaise, claims that Trump-Hitler built a time machine and went back in time to wipe out the dinosaurs so that they couldn’t provide corporations with cheap labor, and various incoherent complaints about a mysterious figure he refers to only as “The Man.” He finishes off by suggesting that if Hillary Clinton wins she should get the Pentagon to work on some sort of biological agent — perhaps a strain of anthrax – that kills only males whose melanin count falls below a certain threshold, thereby guaranteeing an America free of what Baquet refers to as “those deplorable honky mother fuckers!”
The story has been praised across the liberal media for its undoubted veracity, integrity, and journalistic rigor, and it is already being rumored that it may land Baquet a second Pulitzer prize.