Ms Lilly Weiss, 34, of Manhattan, got lost on her way to the Hamptons and made the mistake of stopping off at a Harlem 7-11 to ask for directions. While there she also decided to buy, for undisclosed reasons, a sole cucumber. When she returned to the parking lot, Ms Weiss was promptly blown to kingdom come by Officer Lee Whey, who was deeply dismayed to find out the race, class, and sex of his victim.
Speaking through his legal representative, Officer Whey stated…
”I am deeply sorry for this tragic mistake. As Ms Weiss was sporting a dark tan and it was Harlem, I thought she was black. Furthermore, someone up the street had told me there was a homeless,black drag queen called Rastus hanging around and as you can see from the autopsy photos, Ms Weiss wasn’t the prettiest of women. This, combined with the fact that she was at the time wielding what appeared to be a loaded cucumber, led me to mistake Ms Weiss for a black man. Also, she had a really mean look on her face, which further convinced me of both her maleness and her blackness.”
When it was pointed out that, according to eyewitness accounts, Ms Weiss was smiling broadly when shot, the officer claimed “Er…I thought she was eating watermelon?”
While the matter is investigated by his brother officers, Officer Whey has been put on leave. He is believed to be spending it in the Riviera, in the company of several Playboy playmates.