The baboon, who is best known to world audiences as the star of the TV series “Life In The Monkey House,’ recently gave an interview in which he described the increasingly shrill Hillary Clinton as “shrill.” This led to some paranoid woman (you know the kind, the sort who wears a rape whistle everywhere she goes) telling him that “women” (by which she means herself and her feminist friends, many of whom are no doubt very shrill) find the use of the word to be “sexist.” To this the baboon, usually the kind of monkey who does not kowtow to PC pressure, responded that there are men he also finds shrill. Way to go, Donald Trump, you big pussy! The appropriate response would have been, “Yeah, I called her shrill! So what? I’ve got lots of male-specific insults up my expensive sleeve, but they aren’t the kind of words I can say on TV!”

Trump later offered to kiss the whiny journalist’s ass and walk across some burning coals, all as penance for his dreadful sin. Just goes to show how out of control the worship of women is in the West – even a famously un-PC man will wimp out when accused of not treating women with the reverence due to such sacred creatures.

Baboon meets feminist here. Which has the lower IQ is anyone’s guess.

In the most horrific geriatric attack on the female sex since Tim Hunt quipped that women scientists were too likely to burst into tears, the Dalai Lama has outraged the feminist world by suggesting that if there were to be a female Dalai Lama she had better be one seriously hot babe!

The shocking comment was delivered as part of an interview during which the 80 year old seemed to be under the impression that he was being interviewed for a job as Guatemala’s next President. The condemnation was swift and righteous, and soon the old miscreant found himself being beaten senseless with dozens of expensive, brick-filled handbags.

Vivienne Hayes, CEO of the Women’s Resource Centre, responded by screaming hysterically that…

“It’s disappointing that any woman’s ability to take on a leadership role should be determined by her appearance. This seems to be a common obsession across the media, given some of the comments about women in politics.”

Nice leap from one senile old man’s comment to a generalization about the media, madam. She then adds…

“We are concerned that society is in fact going backwards in terms of women’s equality, and will keep tirelessly campaigning against this.”

She later explained that by going backwards she actually meant going forwards, and that she is a great supporter of the education gap and would like to see measures implemented to ensure that by next Tuesday 90% of British degrees are going to women.

Nicole Rowe, spokeswoman for Progressive Women, and owner of an online store specializing in tin foil hats, blithered…

“…we’re surprised and greatly disappointed that a man of such compassion and wisdom could express such a retrograde opinion. Perpetuating the antiquated idea that women are primarily useful as ornaments, as in the parlance ‘Women should be seen but not heard’, only adds fuel to the manifold discrimination women still face to this day.”

Nice try, Madam Goony Bird, but nobody said anything about women shutting the hell up – though, in your case, they probably should.

Someone called Caroline Criado-Perez, a creature best known for trying to get more women’s heads put on British bank notes (there’s a life well spent,) responded with typical feminist eloquence on Twitter (where else?) by asking…

“Is ‘lol’ appropriate?”

It was later discovered that Criado-Perez’ comment was not in response to the old llama’s faux pas, but rather to the fact that Western feminism has become a cabal of pinheaded women whining about matters so trivial that even feminists themselves can no longer repress their laughter.

Source

Some guy called Michael Savage, whose name I vaguely recall from the days when I used to get many of my laughs by watching Fox News, has declared Obama to be a lunatic after the latter appointed a gay guy Secretary of the Army. I don’t know why Savage is so upset – secretary sounds exactly like the kind of job a gay guy would be right for. But he doesn’t see it that way, and claims Obama is not only a lunatic but also a psychopath. While I agree with him on the latter I see no evidence of the former. And as for the latter, the evidence lies not in the appointment of this Streisand-loving poodle-walker but rather in the body count racked up by O’s beloved army of drones.

Savage also expressed concern that the army’s image might suffer…

“Next thing you know, this guy will have all the soldiers wearing tank tops and gold lamé hot pants! And can you imagine the marching drills? He’ll have the marines marching to songs by ABBA! And their new mascot will be not the noble bulldog but that sea-dwelling pervert Spongebob Squarepants! And what will that lead to? The US army will become an international laughing stock and the whole world will end up hating us. We can’t have that!”

Get your right wing nutjob right here.

And in case you’ve forgotten what gold lamé hot pants look like, here are some antipodean reminders. You’re welcome.

As you may have heard, recently Miss Piggy was awarded a monstrous mouthful of a thing called “The Brooklyn Museum’s Elizabeth A. Sackler Center for Feminist Art First Award” for being a woman who has spent “more than forty years blazing feminist trails with determination and humor,” or some shit like that. The truth about the famously pretentious thespian is, of course, much darker, and recently I met with the one man who knows more than any other what Miss Piggy truly is, for he is the man who has seen the ugliness behind the glamour, the monster behind the pig.

We meet deep in the Louisiana Everglades, where my interviewee lives in a modest albeit high security wooden cabin surrounded by a twenty foot high electric fence topped with razor wire, a yard full of savage guinea pigs, and minefields on all sides. Indeed, so wary is my host of outsiders that I have to be lowered into his yard by helicopter, and then only after the guinea pigs have been safely locked up. My host is a small man, green and friendly, though one can’t help notice that there is a certain haunted look in his eyes and that he isn’t actually wearing any pants. Or anything else for that matter. Yes, my host is the Green Prince of Comedy, the entertainment world’s most famous amphibian — the one, the only, Kermit The Frog! And today he is going to spill the beans on feminism’s latest poster girl. Yes, today Kermit is going to tell us about Piggy – all about Piggy.

“Trailblazer? Sure she’s a trailblazer, a trailblazer in the abuse of frogs! She was totally psycho, like the chick from Basic Instinct except 100 pounds heavier and slightly prettier. And she didn’t even hide her abuse! She used to beat me up on television, when the cameras were rolling! The karate chops and flying kicks were all over the place! She once threw me threw a plate glass window, there was blood everywhere. And everybody just laughed! Why didn’t they call an ambulance instead!?!?! I was in pain!

And you know all those jokes about the frog in the blender? That was me, you bastards! The bitch shoved me in a fucking blender! It took weeks for the vets to put me back together! And I wasn’t the only victim, either, She was just insanely jealous. She once beat up my mother for saying “Hi” to me! She broke Fozzie’s legs after some tabloid claimed that he and I were involved in a secret gay relationship. She also harassed a lot of the male guests we had on the show! For example, she once told Stallone, “Hey, muscles, how about some bacon on your sausage?” And she refused to let me appear on stage with Alice Cooper because she couldn’t understand that he was actually a man. And don’t get me started on that time she took advantage of a falling-down drunk John Denver! The poor bastard had no idea what he was doing. I mean, he kept passing out, for fuck’s sake! Oh, no, wait, that was Amy Schumer…”

After pausing to down half a bottle of Valium, Mr. Frog continues his tale of woe…

“But I’ll get her. Oh, yes. This is one frog who’s had enough of running. Next month, that’s when it will all come to an end. See, that’s when she’s going to be receiving another feminist award, this time the “Lena Dunham Award for Excellence in the Field of Child Molestation.” It’s being held at Rockefeller Center, and I’m going to sneak in disguised as Joss Whedon –- so everyone will think I’m just another hydrocephalic moron –- and loaded for pig. I’ll blast the abusive little cow to pieces, then decapitate her and bring the head back to my cabin where I will spend a few days throwing darts at it. Then, before it gets too ripe, I’ll boil it down and make me some good, old fashioned head cheese! Oh,yeah! And the rest of her carcass will be turned into ham and pork sausages! How’s that for trailblazing? First Hollywood star to end up on the wrong side of a sandwich — how’s that for a first, hey? When it’s ready you can come on over and have some head cheese for free Pigman, it’s great on bagels!” It is at this point that I notice there is a suspiciously large number of M16s and grenade launchers lying around the cabin, and start to wonder if years of abuse have finally driven the world’s most beloved frog over the edge of sanity and if maybe I should call Bellevue. Still, someone who blew the head off Dick Cheney and turned several Wall Street types into haggis is in no position to be getting all uppity at one man’s plans for revenge, so I keep my counsel to myself.

A few minutes later, as the helicopter hoists me out of the yard, the guinea pigs barking furiously below me, I wonder to myself if Kermit will really go ahead with his threats. Will Miss Piggy end up as head cheese and pork sausages? Will Joss Whedon get the blame and be devoured by Twitter feminists? Only time will tell and I, for one, am looking forward to that day, though for obvious reasons I won’t be partaking of the ensuing feast – I will, however, be quite happy to bring the beer.