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Senile Old Man Makes Fool of Self

Senile Old Man Makes Fool of Self published on

I guess Schwarzenegger wasn’t on the menu this time ‘round, what with the maid-diddling scandal, so the Republicans rolled out the only other big name they’ve got — Clint Eastwood. This may have been a mistake, as the poor old guy comes across as being on his last legs, does a lot of hemming and hawing, and pretends to talk to a Barack Obama who isn’t actually there!

And how’s this for a half hearted endorsement — “Possibly, now, it may be time for someone else.” Wow, such unrestrained enthusiasm! I guess money can buy everything!  Then there are the plebs in the crowd who stand and cheer when Eastwood says “We own this country.” Though he pretends to include the audience in that “we,” what he really means is rich bastards like himself. But the poor, deluded fools don’t seem to understand that. Well, of course they don’t – if they were smart they wouldn’t be at the convention to begin with…

The only intelligent thing said during this bizarre and seemingly endless senior moment is when the imaginary Obama tells Eastwood to shut up. Unfortunately, Eastwood doesn’t know good advice when he hears it and continues to blither for another 7 minutes…

Howdy Doody In Shock Bid for Republican Nomination

Howdy Doody In Shock Bid for Republican Nomination published on

In a surprise move, far-right factions within the Republican party have decided to run beloved TV star Howdy Doody against what they see as the dangerously ultra-liberal Mitt Romney.

Mr. Doody, who since his retirement from performing has been the executive director of the influential conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation, is running on the slogan “It’s time for a change – it’s time to put a puppet in the White House.” Details of the newcomer’s actual policies are so far rather vague, but they are rumored to have something to do with feeling all warm and tingly and patriotic, with a good dose of 1950s optimism thrown in.

It has been revealed that the man behind this late entry into the race is none other than famous pill popper and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who told our reporter that he sees Howdy as the perfect Republican candidate…

“Mr. Doody is part of a long tradition of rugged Republican he-men. He is a man’s man, and the perfect successor to Ronald Reagan and George W. We know it’s rather late in the game and only a few primaries are left, but stranger things have happened and come November it will be Doody vs. Obama. One kind of Doody vs. another kind of Doody you might say…heh…heh.” When asked by our reporter what he meant by that comment, Mr. Limbaugh replied that “Well, what I mean is that they’re both large eared gentlemen, obviously.”

“What matters,” Mr. Limbaugh continued, is that Mr. Doody is a great patriot who can get this great country back on track far more effectively than some limp wrested liberal moron, I mean Mormon. Howdy is an American right down to his freckles! You know, he’s got 48 of them, one for each state! You don’t get more American than that!” When our reporter pointed out that there are fifty states in the union, Mr Limbaugh retorted…

“Alaska and Hawaii don’t count, one of them’s full of Japs and big fat brown people, for God’s sake!”

Will Howdy’s bid for the nomination succeed? Will he join a long tradition of cowboy presidents such as Ronald Reagan and that one who looked like a monkey? Are Americans ready for a puppet as their president? Would they even notice? Only time will tell.