Having finally realized that nothing short of Armageddon will stop Captain Cheeto setting up residence in the White House, Hollywood’s liberals have decided to stage one final, desperate protest by killing themselves in droves. Precisely what this is supposed to achieve is difficult to say, but i for one warmly and wholeheartedly welcome this new bout of liberal petulance.
Lady Gaga, the fascist pop singer who spent months encouraging delegates to stage a soft coup against the president-elect, plans to kill herself by combining four of her most famous attention-getting devices – she will strip naked, then cover herself in meat and walk into a giant meat grinder while singing about being a rape victim with PTSD.
Liberal icon Michael Moore has chosen a less painful, but equally effective way to go…
“I plan to inhale while standing next to a Mexican,” he told our correspondent. When asked if this was not a dreadfully racist thing to say, Moore responded, “Hey, like most liberals i love their cheap labor, but don’t get me started on their hygiene standards. Every time my housekeeper comes over i have wear a gas mask for the rest of the day!”
Actor, comedian, and all-around jerk Alec Baldwin released a statement today in which he claimed, “Nothing could be worse than living in a world ruled by that little pig Donald Trump, so i plan to commit suicide by walking into a meeting of the Black Panthers and shouting, “You niggers can all suck my white dick – just like yo mommas did!” No word on whether or not the rest of the SNL cast will be joining him.
Bruce Springsteen, a rocker once known for singing about working class woes but these days best remembered for kissing Hillary Clinton’s ass, has promised to shuffle off this mortal coil by going down to a dry river bed, drenching himself in kerosene and setting himself alight. When asked why he chose kerosene over more easily available accelerants such as petrol, Springsteen told us that he deliberately chose a slow-burning fuel so that he would have enough time to sing at least one verse of “I’m On Fire.”
Lena Dunham – a flaccid, butterfaced, butterbodied nothing of a woman who reneged on her promise to rid the U.S of her presence if Trump won – has decided to go out in the same narcissistic, self-obsessed manner in which she lived. After whining lugubriously that she refuses to live in a world ruled by someone who actually married and had a kid with “a fucking foreign whore,” Dunham told our correspondent that she will kill herself by sitting in front of a mirror and gazing steadily at her own hideous visage for thirty minutes, after which time it is expected that she will drop dead from the sheer horror of the experience. In an interesting side note, the mirror in question is a one-off made from polished titanium, regular glass mirrors being unable to withstand Dunham’s smug mug for more than five seconds.
Famous singer, withered old cadaver, and largely unwanted mother Madonna has announced that she will take herself out by finally delivering on her infamous promise to blow everyone who voted for Hillary Clinton. The event, to be held in a swimming pool and broadcast live on CNN, will feature Ms Ciccone blowing all 30 million men who voted for Clinton, and will end with 30 million simultaneous cum shots. Yes, Madonna plans to die as she lived – drowning in semen!
But Hollywood liberals aren’t the only ones seizing the day. It is expected that millions of pinheaded celebrity worshippers will be eager to follow in their idols’ footsteps and so, always looking to make a quick shekel, Starbucks has gotten in on the act by offering cyanide-filled lattes come the 20th of January. In a one time only offer, all lattes will include a “Trump Can Kiss My Dead Ass” t-shirt, and a bumper sticker reading, “How you like me now, Republican bitches?” All this for the low, low price of $750.
And the entire New York chapter of the ACLU is planning to behead themselves with scythes, in honor of their oppressed Muslim friends in ISIS. This one seems a bit tricky to me. The average liberal can barely even operate a spoon properly, how these guys will manage to commit suicide in such an awkward way is a mystery – perhaps they can fly in some ISIS members to help them. Wait, did i say ISIS members? Sorry, i meant to say Syrian refugees.