Local Man Finally Receives Male Privilege
After decades of diligently checking his mailbox every day, Mr. Wilbur Snorflebonger has finally received his long awaited male privilegeâŚ
â I couldnât believe my eyes,â he told our reporter. âI had been hearing about male privilege ever since childhood, yet somehow I had never seemed to receive mine! I was starting to think the entire thing was some sort of myth. You know, like a leprechaun or something. Then this morning there it was, a beacon of hope radiating from my mailbox like the dawn of a new day. I swear, I donât know why it took so long to get here. I can only assume itâs been lost in the mail for the last 35 years. But hey, what matters is itâs finally arrived and Iâm pleased as punch. I have to admit itâs not as large a package as the rumors had led me to expect⌠in fact itâs not so much a package as it is a small envelope containing an even smaller noteâŚâ
âAnd what does the note say?â I asked Mr. Snorflebonger.
âWell, itâs a pretty fancy note, I should point out. Embossed, and with faux gold trimmingsâŚâ
âYes, but what does it say? What is your actual âmale privilegeâ?â
âWell, apparently I am able to write my name in the snow without having to bend over! Of course, I am not allowed to do it when anybody else is around or I will be arrested. But hey, most women canât do it at all! Ha ha! Itâs good to be King!â
And there we leave Wilbur Snorflebonger, a simple and trusting man who has at last seen the promise of patriarchal privilege delivered on. Best of luck to you, sir. All you have to do now is find a way to stop paying your wife child support for a child of which you have custody.
Romney eats puppies, hates children
Michael Binkley and Dad, from “Bloom County” mid ’80s
For those not familiar with Bloom County, Binkley was constantly waking up his long-suffering dad in the middle of the night to tell him something or other. This is one of the few times when it was actually something important…
Senile Old Man Makes Fool of Self
I guess Schwarzenegger wasnât on the menu this time âround, what with the maid-diddling scandal, so the Republicans rolled out the only other big name theyâve got — Clint Eastwood. This may have been a mistake, as the poor old guy comes across as being on his last legs, does a lot of hemming and hawing, and pretends to talk to a Barack Obama who isnât actually there!
And howâs this for a half hearted endorsement — âPossibly, now, it may be time for someone else.â Wow, such unrestrained enthusiasm! I guess money can buy everything!  Then there are the plebs in the crowd who stand and cheer when Eastwood says âWe own this country.â Though he pretends to include the audience in that âwe,â what he really means is rich bastards like himself. But the poor, deluded fools donât seem to understand that. Well, of course they donât â if they were smart they wouldnât be at the convention to begin withâŚ
The only intelligent thing said during this bizarre and seemingly endless senior moment is when the imaginary Obama tells Eastwood to shut up. Unfortunately, Eastwood doesnât know good advice when he hears it and continues to blither for another 7 minutesâŚ