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Women Turned on by Monkey Porn!

Women Turned on by Monkey Porn! published on

We all know the popular media driven view of female sexuality – romantic candlelit dinners in a cozy little restaurant where the floor show consists of Harry Connick Jr singing “My Mammy” while doing his Michael Jackson impression. However, a few years ago the land that inflicted Celine Dion and Bryan Addams on the rest of the world gave us a study by a Psych Professor named Meredith Chivers that finally answered Freud’s famous question about what women want, and what they want is some hot monkey sex.

In 2005, as part of what seems like a very weird choice of vocation, Chivers took a bunch of test subjects, sat them down in front of a computer screen, hooked them up to devices that measured their sexual responses (plethysmographs — the male version of which measures swelling in the penis, the female equivalent being a plastic probe that measures vaginal blood flow),  then showed them a wide array of porn, not only straight, gay and lesbian but also mating footage of  a species of Chimpanzee!

The gist of the outcome was that on average; straight men were turned on by straight porn, and not surprisingly, lesbian porn, and gay men were turned on only by gay porn. Where it got weird was with the gals, with both the straight and gay women reacting in a positive manner to well, everything-  straight porn, gay porn, lesbian porn, and God help us all, the monkey porn!  Not only that, but they got a stronger vaginal response from watching the monkey porn than they did from images of a good looking man!

The other interesting aspect was that the subjects were given keypads on which to rate their subjective feeling of arousal, and  whereas the men  admitted to what turned them on, both the straight and lesbian women didn’t, claiming that only porn fitting into their declared preference did it for them! Alas, ladies the plethysmographs showed otherwise…

Presumably this doesn’t mean women want to hump monkeys, but it does suggest that either they really don’t know what the hell they want, or that when it comes to sexual desires at least, women lie more than men! So the next time some chick gives you the spiel about candlelit dinners just remember that what she really wants you to do is show her some monkey porn, even if she doesn’t know it – or admit it!

More here.

(Blythe) Masters of the Universe

(Blythe) Masters of the Universe published on

In the recent headlong rush to blame all the world’s financial woes on the evil that is maleness, one interesting fact has been lost in the hubbub – It’s mostly the fault of a woman called Blythe Masters.

Masters, who hails from the same clod of soil as Harriet Harman, is apparently an even greater monster, having been the creatrix of a thingy called Credit Default Swaps, a weird financial thingamajig which was once referred to by Warren Buffet as a financial weapon of mass destruction, and which is apparently the main cause of all these woes. As you may have gleaned by now i am not exactly a financial wizard,  so don’t be askin’ me for an explanation as to how all this works – the writer of the article linked below tries to explain it and gets some positive comments on said explanation, but I personally didn’t get it! Perhaps not surprising given that when in high school the only subject I ever sucked at was math…

Blythe Masters learnt how to sew body parts together at Cambridge University, and got her lab, electricity supply and a hunchbacked personal assistant named Igor from those great humanitarians at JP Morgan. Masters was also once quoted as saying that her fiduciary nonesuch was the equivalent of  “a free lunch,”  something which of course, unless you are a food critic, simply doesn’t exist.

When called out by The Guardian on her creation’s destructive effects on the economy, our female Frankenstein replied blithely (sorry, but I couldn’t resist)…

“I do believe CDSs [credit default swaps] have been miscast, much as poor workmen tend to blame their tools.”

Which I take it is the business equivalent of “Credit Default Swaps don’t kill people, people with Credit Default Swaps kill people.”

More here.

Thanks to pjanus for the heads up on this enlightening article.

Michael Claymore Wins Pulitzer!

Michael Claymore Wins Pulitzer! published on

Great news!

My manager Michael Claymore has just won the Pulitzer prize for his epic novel “Where the fuck is MY Nobel?”

The Pulitzer board recognized that Mr. Claymore has yet to learn the difference between vowels and consonants, but they have great faith that within the next six months he will eclipse Mailer and Hemingway and that he will, in all likelihood, make Shakespeare look like that jackass who wrote “The Whiny Housewives of Madison County”

Hot on the heels of this stunning announcement came the news that Michael has also won the Oscar for Best Director for his as yet un-filmed opus “Apocrypha Now”, which critics are describing as combining the greatness of “Ishtar” with the high octane action of a weekend with your grandmother.

Meanwhile at the Vatican, the Pope declared that in a letter handed to one of his predecessors by the children present at Fatima, it was revealed that the recent tacky impersonation of the Jackson five is in fact the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse. His Holiness then begged Mr. Claymore to persuade his heavenly father to delay the Armageddon long enough for His Holiness to win his own box of Cracker Jacks.

On the negative side, it is not true that Mr. Claymore is soon expected to find a cure for cancer, as in his own words “I just bought the fucking chemistry set for Dad’s sake, stop putting so much pressure on me!”

According t o CNN, when asked whether or not Mr. Claymore would be the recipient of next year’s Nobel Peace Prize, the Nobel committee replied “What, you think we give these things to just anyone?”

Obama Wins Worthless Prize

Obama Wins Worthless Prize published on

There’s an old Meat Loaf song that contains the lyrics…
”But there aint no Coupe De Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box!”

That’s right Meat, what actually lurks at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box is a Nobel Peace Prize! Soon we’ll all have one!

In a move reminiscent of an episode of the Twilight Zone, five nutty Norwegians have seen fit to award neophyte President Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize! Precisely what for is anyone’s guess, as we don’t yet know how bad or how good Obama will turn out to be – he hasn’t done anything yet, so why the prize?

The Nobel Peace Prize is supposed to be awarded…
“to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.”

Yet In recent years we have seen decisions that have nothing to do with achieving peace, and a lot to do with giving left wing ticks of approval.

Muhammad Yunus for example doesn’t seem to fit the bill, having jointly been given the prize…

“for advancing economic and social opportunities for the poor, especially women, through their pioneering microcredit work”

No mention of Peace that I can see, regardless of what other worth his work may or may not have. Then there’s Al Gore who got his box of Cracker Jacks for …

“efforts to build up and disseminate greater knowledge about man-made climate change, and to lay the foundations for the measures that are needed to counteract such change”

Again no mention of Alfred’s beloved Peace. And now there’s Obama…

“for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.”

Well, at least it hints at peace efforts, but he hasn’t done anything. A prize is supposed to go to people who actually do, not those who merely intend to do, otherwise it’s like handing Lance Armstrong the prize before he even gets on his bike.

The reaction by so many American liberals has been truly frightening in the way it reveals a split with reality that that would make even Orwell puke. For example, the reaction at The Huffington Post can best be described as Bacchanalian, with so many commenters acting as if Obama is Gandhi, King and all the Kennedys rolled into one.

American liberals are still waiting for the miracle, apparently. Waiting for the Big Daddy who will lift them up out of their money driven, politically divisive mire and put them up where they belong. It’s not going to happen boys and girls, the dice are loaded from the start of the game and the chances that Obama will be better than Clinton are very slim indeed, about as slim as Obama’s chances of winning a bowling tournament – unless of course the tournament is run by the Nobel Committee.

Here’s part of the orgiastic reaction at Huff

And here’s a video of Obama accepting the prize – even the man himself says he’s not sure he deserves it – if only his followers were so rational.

Harry Connick Jr is an Idiot, a Hypocrite AND a Liar!

Harry Connick Jr is an Idiot, a Hypocrite AND a Liar! published on 1 Comment on Harry Connick Jr is an Idiot, a Hypocrite AND a Liar!

Quick update on Harry Connick Jr’s  insult to Australia . Connick claims on his site that the character in the MAdtv skit is not black…

So now we are being told that this dark skinned man with the puffy hair is not a black or mixed race individual.

If the guy with the red sash  isn’t a black man what the fuck is he? The world’s blackest white man? Connick’s skin has clearly been darkened – why would a white man darken his skin to play a white man? Why would a white man don a wig that looks like Orlando Jones’ hair to play a white man? He wouldn’t – this is clearly a black man and Harry Connick Jr is clearly a hypocrite and a liar. But hey, when you’re famous you can say whatever you want and people will buy it, so whereas the Huffpost ran a post about the Hey Hey skit, all they ran on Connick’s skit was a post calling those who “think” that’s a black man idiots.

And of course, when it’s all over, all the American public will remember is “those racist Australians” and that what Connick is playing in his own skit is just a suspiciously negro-ish white man. So fuck you Harry, and fuck all those liberal hypocrites that are supporting you.

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