Now, we all know women aren’t good for much when they are alive, what with their tiny,
underdeveloped brains, their small pathetic muscles, and their inability to tolerate even a
paper cut without screaming for an ambulance. But what about once the poor dears
have cast off this mortal coil, kicked the bucket, bought the farm? In other words,
dropped dead?

Surely, then they must be of some use. Now, i have not spent much time with dead
women ( they are hideously boring even when alive, so i can’t imagine having to hang out with dead ones ) but it does strike me that death would bring some good uses for these otherwise useless creatures. So far, i have come up with four. Not as many as I would like, but it’s three more uses than i have for a live woman.

One : Fertilizer. Yes, that otherwise pointless carcass is just full of the sort of nutrients your roses and hydrangeas will love. Most women would provide about 150 lbs of fertilizer, which is enough to keep the average garden going for a whole year. The average North American woman could keep an entire industrial scale farm going for most of a decade. But we don’t own big farms, so the average woman will do nicely. What we must remember is that women smell even worse when they are dead than they do when they are alive, so you have to use them before they become really putrid. Within 24 hours of death is a good rule of thumb. Also, make sure to properly mulch your woman before spreading her on your garden soil, otherwise she is likely to be eaten by scavengers and family pets and this will mean all your hard work has been for nothing.

Two : Doorstops. For this purpose, small women are best so i recommend Asian ones. You certainly don’t want some 200 lb American walrus for this particular job. Your dead woman will have to be stuffed by an expert specializing in dead animals, and arranged into some sort of compact position. I recommend a sitting, fetal position, that can be achieved by wrapping the carcass in wire or string. A more exotic alternative to having your woman stuffed is to have her pickled in a large bottle, like a prize squash or something. This will make not only for an interesting conversation piece but also for a heavier and therefore more effective doorstop.

Three : Coffee Tables. Positioned on all fours, a woman of average size will provide a table high enough to be positioned in front of your sofa so you have somewhere to rest your feet and your beer while playing video games. Women have notoriously spindly limbs, so i recommend re-enforcing your woman with some 2 by 4s. Otherwise, you may find your woman collapsing at the most inopportune of moments. Taller women, such as Geena Davis and other Orc-human hybrids, can be used as dining tables but such women are hard to find, especially dead.

Four : Shark Bait. For this, you will need not only a woman but a boat, a very strong fishing pole, and an ax. The ax will be required to cut the woman into pieces manageable enough to be placed on the hook, yet large enough to look appetizing to the sharks. Arms and legs are the best bait, but the head, as in life, is pretty useless. The torso is too big for any but the largest sharks but can be chopped up into chum which can then be thrown into the water to attract the sharks.

Where to obtain your dead woman

This one is not as hard as it seems. Dead women are plentiful, especially in areas where female-specific disasters are likely to occur. Malls, for example, are often the site of female deaths brought about by some woman missing out on that pair of shoes she just had to have, jumping off the highest level, and splattering herself all over the ground. If you are quick enough, you may be able to scoop her up, put her in a wheelbarrow and run off before management calls the morgue. Another good place to find dead women is at boy band concerts. These are usually young women who have died from estrogen poisoning while screaming frantically at the latest teen idol, and they die in such large quantities that you can usually find dumpsters full of them in alleys surrounding the concert venue.

So there you have it, four uses for a dead woman, four useful things you can do with these otherwise useless little people. Just goes to show that in God’s wonderful plan every creature, no matter how lowly, has its purpose. Yes, even women.