Notorious fussbudget and pioneering feminist Lucy van Pelt was today named Ms Magazine’s woman of the year, an honor previously bestowed on such distinguished women as Aileen Wuornos , Lorena Bobbitt and Cyndi Lauper.
When presenting Ms van Pelt with the award, Executive Editor Katherine Spillar said that “From the very beginning of the Peanuts phenomenon Lucy has shown us women how to rise up against oppression by the phallocentric American patriarchy. By constantly pulling the patriarchal football out from under Charlie Brown’s foot, Lucy sent out a post-modernist clarion call that women would no longer be mere servants to male whims. That from now on, all men would have to make their own beds, cook their own dinners, and hold their own balls. Over the decades, as Lucy has grown into a mature and sophisticated woman, she has continued to defy the patriarchy with everyday rebellions such as bad psychiatric advice and a steadfast refusal to stop her ongoing sexual harassment of classical pianist Schroeder, who was last month found hanging by one of his piano wires from the monkey bars in his local playground. Now in her 60s Lucy continues to wage the war against patriarchy by running a refuge for female hamsters who have been abused by their male partners.”
Accepting the award Ms van Pelt stated that she was pretty sure Peppermint Patty wasn’t gay as “I once tried to hit on the stupid bitch and she wasn’t having any of it, and if she doesn’t wanna do me she sure as hell isn’t doing that little dweeb Marcy.”
Ms van pelt also refused to deny or confirm rumors that she will be running for the U.S Senate, responding instead with “None of your business you insensitive male bastard!” before chasing our reporter out of the function rooms.