After much thought and consideration, I have decided that from next year we should start referring to Mother’s Day as “No To Infanticide Day,” or NTI-Day for short.
This needs to be done in order to call attention to the sad fact that most children who are killed by a parent are killed by their mother. While I acknowledge that most women aren’t out there killing their kids, it should be clear to any right thinking individual that infanticide is a serious problem, and that the bad actions of a few women are more than enough justification for spoiling the entire day for all mothers.
Given the selfless nature of women in general and mothers in particular, I have no doubt that this idea will have the support of all mothers, who I am sure will be willing to put the safety of children over their own selfish need for attention and praise. I also expect that it will draw the support of celebrity mothers from the twin worlds of show business and politics, and that prominent women will be lining up to take part in online campaigns — with a little luck we may even be able to get Oprah Winfrey to do a few TV commercials.
Another thing I would like to see happening on NTI Day is women wearing bracelets and shirts bearing inscriptions such as “I pledge to not smother my toddler,” and “I swear not to microwave the baby.” I realize that some oversensitive individuals will object to this on the grounds that promising not to do something implies that you are capable of doing it to begin with, but such naysayers are merely immature “women” who will hopefully be ignored by their more highly evolved sisters. It would also be helpful to have a few NTI-Day marches to highlight the problem. Women who are mothers, or who are planning to some day become mothers, would march down the main street bearing placards and banners with slogans such as “Only women can stop Infanticide” and “I am a potential child-killer.” Each march would terminate in a large public space such as a town square or a park, where the assembled women would, in unison, recite the NTI-Day Pledge. Of course, the ultimate wording of the pledge is up to women themselves, but I suggest something along these lines….
“I hereby pledge to never do nasty things like slamming a carving knife through a five year old’s skull, feeding a noisy newborn to the neighbor’s pitbull, or throwing my toddler into a woodchipper. Nor shall I condone such actions when carried out by other women, and if I am witness to such actions I promise to call the police as soon as is convenient.”
I realize this will be a controversial idea to many, but I have faith that, after some discussion, the mothers of the world will decide to do the right thing and dedicate their special day to the eradicating of all forms of violence against children.
Picture this: a not-unnattractive, late-20’s-ish, black/hispanic female is in the snack aisle carrying an infant in one of those baby backpacks that you wear on your front. We hear the sound of the baby starting to cry and the mother looks worried turning her head right and left apparently searching for something in a hurry to give to her crying infant. Cutaway to store clerk lifting his attention from the counter into the aisles where he heard the baby cry. Cut back to the woman as she chooses a bag of Popchips off the rack and smiles with relief. She then rams the unopened bag into her child’s face muffling the crying while looking about embarrassedly. Cut to store clerk craning his neck as he becomes more concerned about the sounds he is hearing. Cut back to mother as crying stops and silence ensues. She looks about with a relieved and slightly confident expression and shakes her shoulders and straightens her slightly tossled hair. Cut to clerk looking puzzled. Long shot of mother walking towards clerk but no longer wearing baby backpack. She grabs a pack of gum, puts a dollar on the counter and leaves. Cut to clerk looking offscreen as if observing woman as she leaves. He cranes his neck again to view where he heard the activity and squints his eyes as if to see better. Cut to baby backpack lying motionless on the floor with a Popchips bag and a mess of broken chips on the floor. Cut back to clerk who smiles and says into the camera “cleanup in aisle 1”. Cut to graphic “popchips supports NTI-day”.
We have tentatively lined up Ashton Kutcher for the role of the clerk.