Last month, wannabe model Rebecca Leigh Crimmins got on the piss and decided to do something a judge later referred to as “disgusting and abhorrent.”

So what did the blonde inebriate do? Did she take a dump on a nun? Did she feed Amy Winehouse’s carcass to the Queen’s corgis? No, she wetted a tampon in cordial, then – I can barely bring myself to describe it – repeatedly dabbed a McDonald’s worker on the hand while claiming she had found it in her fries!

This unprecedented atrocity resulted in a charge of common assault and sixty days of community service, presumably checking boxes of fries for stray tampons. There was a time – a saner time – when a mere apology would do, but not now. Now you can actually go to jail for such actions. How anyone can see such a harmless prank as an assault is beyond my simple intellect. No harm was done, the tampon wasn’t wet from blood so the grossout factor is greatly minimized and the potential for infection is non-existent, yet this could have landed the poor cow in jail. One has to wonder if the obviously smart people who make the laws truly believe such actions constitute assault, or if they are simply trying – successfully – to create a society where everyone is walking around on eggshells, scared shitless to do any of the thousands of things that could land you in jail these days.

In my view such draconian zeal when it comes to these harmless “crimes” is for the most part an attempt to quash dissent before it even arises. After all, if a stupid joke can land you in jail, should you even think of joining a protest when the government has told you not to? Shit, no – that could get you a lot worse than some community service, and that’s if you survive the arrest.

 

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