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Blood Moon Apocalypse Shall Destroy The Cosmos!

Blood Moon Apocalypse Shall Destroy The Cosmos! published on

Once again the world will be coming to an end as the widely prophesied Blood Moon prepares to destroy the universe! And it all happens this weekend! It might be happening right now, at this very moment!

Due to some sort of astronomical phenomenon ( namely a combination of lunar eclipse, which usually makes the moon look red, and the moon coming closer than usual to the earth) this Sunday night (US time) the moon will appear to be really big and really red. While sensible people will simply go, “Whoa! Cool!” and take lots of selfies with a big red thing in the background, the astronomically stupid are predicting the end of life on earth. According to them, this is all part of a “tetrad,” a fancy word that stupid people use in a futile attempt to sound smart. All it really means is that it’s the fourth lunar eclipse to come at six lunar month intervals and to land on Jewish holidays – September the 28th is the Feast of the Tabernacle. Funnily enough, it’s not the Jews freaking out but the Christians. According to the not-so-wise men, previous tetrads have been the harbingers of disaster. In 1492, the tetrad led to Jews being kicked out of Spain on the pretext that anyone who did not like ham must be up to no good. In 1948 it led to the Arab-Israeli war. And, worst of all, in 1982 it led to the birth of Nicki Minaj.

Most of the hysterics seem to be coming from Evangelical Christians and Mormons who think this all signals the second coming of the messiah, and hence the end of the world — because the messiah is just that kind of guy. Apparently, the Bible itself predicts this terrible event when Saint Peter says something along the lines of “the sun shall be turned to darkness, and the moon shall become like unto blood, a Communist pope shall go to dinner with the Great Satan, and all men shall know that the great and terrible day of the Lord has arrived!” Peter the Rock. Peter the Rock-Headed, more like.

While it is usually the Evangelicals that come out looking as the biggest fools in these situations, this time it looks as if they are being outdone by the Mormons. Panic amongst the latter group has been so widespread that Utah stores are reporting massive increases in the sales of freeze-dried food, torches, blankets, and tin foil hats. In another surprise development, the main driver of the apocalyptic panic this time round is a woman called Julie Rowe, a Mormon who has been going on about the apocalypse for quite a while and who claims all sorts of nutty stuff usually reserved for the comic books. Frankly, I’m surprised she isn’t expecting Galactus to come round and eat everyone! I guess it all goes to show that the distaff side of the Mormon faith has worse things to answer for than Twilight.

Things have gotten so ridiculous that the heads of the Mormon Church have issued a half-assed “stay calm” announcement in which they tell their followers that no apocalypse is imminent but that they should always be prepared for adversity. Way to play both sides of the fence, doofuses. And NASA has jumped in by reassuring people that, no, the earth is not due to be hit by an asteroid this weekend. Stan Lee has also reassured the teeming hordes by pointing out that if Galactus does indeed return this Sunday, the Fantastic Four will be there to stop him, just as they have every other time!

The religious people can hunker down in their well-stocked basements all they want. But not me. No, I prefer to think that when the end comes it will be not at the hands of God’s son Jesus, but rather at the hands of Hank Pym’s son Ultron. That bastard has it in for the entire human race and the way he keeps evolving it’s just a matter of time before the Age of Ultron becomes all too real. And that, my friends, is at least six months away.

God Clears Up Misunderstanding

God Clears Up Misunderstanding published on

Homophobes everywhere are in for a shock today after the Almighty Creator of Everything That Is cleared up a mistake that has long caused much rejoicing amongst many of his followers. Speaking to me earlier today, The Great And Wondrous One announced that, contrary to common belief amongst his adherents, he does not hate fags…

“I know it’s been reported widely that I hate fags, but I never said that. What I told Moses while he was writing Leviticus was that I hated stags! S-T-A-G-S! Not fags, stags!”

Surprised by this revelation I asked The Great And Holy One why he has such animosity towards the male of the deer species…

“Well, Pigster, I only made the stupid things to serve as a sort of primitive clotheslines, but it didn’t occur to me they would be so restless! Back when I was hanging out in Eden with that joker and his spare rib I would wash my robe till it was all sparkling white then drape it over a stag’s antlers so it could dry in the warm breeze that wafted eternally through paradise. Then I would sit under the Tree of Knowledge and doze off. By the time I awoke, the freaking stag had wandered off, taking my robe with him! Imagine – me, the Creator of All That Is standing there in nothing but a pair of baggy tighty whities! It’s undignified! So yeah, that’s what I told Moses when he was writing Leviticus  – I hate stags. But you know, old Moses was always a bit of a dyslexic so things got lost in translation, so to speak. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some penguins to kill.”

Well, I hope this clears up this long-standing and really rather inconvenient mistake. Today, we must all agree, has been a very good day for fags, er…I mean homosexuals everywhere. For penguins, however, it is a different story.



Reaction to this morning’s interview with God has been swift and wide-reaching. After reading the interview Fred Phelps, Founder of Westoboro Baptist, immediately announced that he had wasted his time on earth barking up the wrong tree and that in his despair he would later this week be committing suicide by inhaling next to a Mexican.

More progressive members of the church have announced that they would from now on focus their righteous hatred on the true enemy of human morality – the stag. A representative told us that the church has just bought the domain and that starting Wednesday they will be picketing in front of zoos and national park gates…

“From now on, it shall be our holy mission to eradicate these robe-stealing, cud-chewing abominations from the face of the earth. Our signs will bear slogans such as “God Hates Stags, Why Don’t You?” and “Stags Are Lucifer In Disguise” as well as “God Kills Soldiers Because America Tolerates Stags!”

In response to Westboro’s new mission. Mr. GrassRunner Whitetail, president of the National Alliance Against Defamation of Deers  as well as vice-president of the League of Oppressed Animals had this to say…

“What the fuck? What have we ever done to them?!?! All we do is hang out in the woods eating grass and leaves and stuff! Hey! Hey, these aren’t the bastards who killed Bambi’s mom, are they? Hey, you Westboro freaks — fuck you, you orphan makers!”

Perhaps not wishing to further inflame an already volatile state of affairs, PETA has yet to make a statement on the situation.


Senile Old Coot Fails to Foresee Own Death

Senile Old Coot Fails to Foresee Own Death published on

Remember this guy?

Yeah, him, Harold Camping, the nutjob who a couple of years ago announced that the world would soon be ending in a glorious explosion of hellfire, brimstone and self-righteousness. While his unexpected and novel announcement may have caused much mirth amongst the rational few, it also caused a lot of Christian idiots to sell their possessions and donate their kidneys in preparation for the coming Rapture  — because as everyone knows, in heaven you need neither your Tivo nor your internal organs. For this, I don’t know whether to damn Harold or thank him…

Anyway, it seems that Harold’s power to predict the future is even more flawed than we thought. The news has come down (rather like Harold himself) that the great man has apparently died after failing to divine that dancing on the roof when you are 92 is a bad idea. Yes, while dancing the polka with a pair of drunken strippers, the devout one slipped and fell off the roof, landing face first in his dog’s water dish. By the time the strippers could climb down off the roof and give him mouth to mouth, it was too late – the Holy Man had gone to meet his maker with what is probably a very bad case of doggy breath.

This links to a religious site. You have been warned. If you don’t want to give them traffic, you can just take my word for it.


The Arab world – a boon to feminists everywhere

The Arab world – a boon to feminists everywhere published on

I mean that. If it weren’t for those guys feminists would be totally unable to find any real cases of actual misogyny, at least as defined by reasonable people as opposed to screeching, flame-haired banshees from the Land Down Under (where beer does flow and men chunder)

Following in the misandrist and exhibitionist steps of Femen, some female idiot in Tunisia (where beer doesn’t flow and the adulterous are stoned to death) has gotten herself into trouble by writing some feministy, anti-religion type slogans on her torso and then posing naked. Shocked that, unlike her European sisters, she does not have the protections accorded to women living in the gynocentric West, the young meathead now finds some hysterical Muslim cleric calling for her to be flogged and then stoned to death. The “holy” man is apparently convinced that this girl’s lame act of rebellion will lead to floods, disaster, plagues of locusts, and a drastic increase in the number of reality shows on Tunisian TV.

Showing the razor keen intellect their kind is known for, Femen responded to the death threats by calling for more Tunisian women to post photos of themselves topless! I know it sounds stupid at first, but it is probably a cunning feminist plot to make Tunisia run out of the rocks which, I am told, are the country’s primary export. Bankrupt the patriarchy, that kind of thing.

So far the girl, whose name is supposedly Amina Tyler, hasn’t been harmed, but religion is nothing if not patient so there’s a petition calling for the Tunisian government to step in and protect the feminist boofhead from the Muslim boofhead. My manager has signed it, and I would too but I’m not halal.

Petition here

Kentucky Does Not Execute Non-Believers…

Kentucky Does Not Execute Non-Believers… published on

It just threatens to send them to jail.

Since 2006, the state has had a “homeland security law” ( since 9/11, pretty much the standard excuse for just about any violation of Americans’ civil rights ) which puts some of its citizens at risk of a whole year in jail if they do not acknowledge that The Angry Old Man In The Sky keeps them safe from being blown up by terrorists. Funny, really, because another well-known religion claims it is The Angry Old Man In The Sky who wants them blown up to begin with…

The good news seems to be that most of the state’s inhabitants are not at risk, as this Kentucky Fried Idiocy applies only to those in charge of placing certain plaques outside The Ministry of Peace, er, I mean the Homeland Security building. These individuals could be charged and jailed if they do not display a plaque bearing these blitherings…

“The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God.”

Why have certain Christian lawmakers gone to such lengths to make sure this bit of religious propaganda is displayed by a state organization? Well, apart from the hubris so often seen amongst the devout, it helps to blur the lines between church and state, as well as giving the foolish and the gullible the opportunity to “reason” that if The State says it, it must be so.

More here