In a surprise move, far-right factions within the Republican party have decided to run beloved TV star Howdy Doody against what they see as the dangerously ultra-liberal Mitt Romney.

Mr. Doody, who since his retirement from performing has been the executive director of the influential conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation, is running on the slogan “It’s time for a change – it’s time to put a puppet in the White House.” Details of the newcomer’s actual policies are so far rather vague, but they are rumored to have something to do with feeling all warm and tingly and patriotic, with a good dose of 1950s optimism thrown in.

It has been revealed that the man behind this late entry into the race is none other than famous pill popper and radio host Rush Limbaugh, who told our reporter that he sees Howdy as the perfect Republican candidate…

“Mr. Doody is part of a long tradition of rugged Republican he-men. He is a man’s man, and the perfect successor to Ronald Reagan and George W. We know it’s rather late in the game and only a few primaries are left, but stranger things have happened and come November it will be Doody vs. Obama. One kind of Doody vs. another kind of Doody you might say…heh…heh.” When asked by our reporter what he meant by that comment, Mr. Limbaugh replied that “Well, what I mean is that they’re both large eared gentlemen, obviously.”

“What matters,” Mr. Limbaugh continued, is that Mr. Doody is a great patriot who can get this great country back on track far more effectively than some limp wrested liberal moron, I mean Mormon. Howdy is an American right down to his freckles! You know, he’s got 48 of them, one for each state! You don’t get more American than that!” When our reporter pointed out that there are fifty states in the union, Mr Limbaugh retorted…

“Alaska and Hawaii don’t count, one of them’s full of Japs and big fat brown people, for God’s sake!”

Will Howdy’s bid for the nomination succeed? Will he join a long tradition of cowboy presidents such as Ronald Reagan and that one who looked like a monkey? Are Americans ready for a puppet as their president? Would they even notice? Only time will tell.

 

 

Here, folks, is a good reason to treat research into social and psychological matters with great skepticism.

We all know that there are tricky ways of lying about these things by applying user-defined definitions that differ markedly from the conventional definitions, or by using hand-picked rather than randomly chosen groups of subjects, but when academics are lazy they don’t even bother with these tactics – they just make shit up.

This is what tulip-picking psychologist Diederik Stapel did. Why bother going out and asking people what they think? Why waste time carrying out fancy experiments? Just make up some figures and then get into a snit every time someone asks to see the actual research! That way you can claim that white people are more likely to discriminate against black people when in messy environments, that the very thought of eating meat makes you selfish, and that people see job applicants as more competent if they have a “male voice”, and few will be inclined to ask what you’ve been smoking.

More here.