“Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

Seriously, there is no more appropriate way to cautiously celebrate this unprecedented and surreal event, this hiccup in the time-space continuum, this welcome but bizarre victory than with that famous bit of nonsense!

So, against all the odds, the man with the dead hamster on his head has made it into the White House. He has weathered the most vicious bi-partisan attack in living memory and kicked the establishment’s ass from here to Alpha Centauri. Man, did i breathe a sigh of relief when i saw those wonderful numbers putting him ahead of Psycho Granny. Sure, he is no Messiah, but neither is he rattling his saber at Russia! So congratulations to you, sir, you doer of the undoable, you walking contradiction, you poor man’s billionaire. And don’t forget – if you turn out to be another scumbag, i still have that drone that i used to blow up Obama’s dog!

One of the great pleasures of this victory is that it is also Clinton’s loss. No history books for you, you mass-murdering piece of filth! That was always one of the worst things about this situation – the possibility that such a lowlife might go down in history (insert your own Lewinsky joke here – i can’t do all the work!) simply for being the first woman to get the job. This way, maybe a woman who is a decent human being may be the one to some day get the honor – i doubt it, though, it is the US presidency after all.

Another fun bit is watching morons who think they are liberals gnash their teeth, rend their garments and wail in despair at this ideological Armageddon! “The end is nigh!” they howl lugubriously into the cold and uncaring night! According to Breitbart, one hysterical Latina moaned, just before crawling back under the table with a bottle of Tequila, “Our lives are not safe — as queer women, as brown women,” Yes, honey, Trump is going to exterminate the gays and the Latinos… This, folks, is the kind of idiocy that dominates today’s liberal ground troops. Another one actually admitted that, “We feel like we live in a bubble…” And, indeed, she probably does. Which is why the little shit probably does not care about anyone except herself and her latte sipping friends. You know, i kinda feel sorry for this kind. Unlike their leaders, they probably aren’t bad people, most of them are probably just morons who believe whatever CNN and the NYTimes tell them to. Still, they almost put in the White House a woman who can best be described as Dick Cheney in drag, and that means they won’t be getting any free Kleenex from me.

And then there’s the media leadership of the pseudo-left. Such as the aforementioned NYTimes and The Guardian. Having failed in their attempts to keep the plutocracy’s jackboots on Joe Average’s throat, they are now resorting to predicting the end of the world while blaming whiteness and maleness. Writes Paul Krugman at the NYTimes…

“There turn out to be a huge number of people — white people, living mainly in rural areas — who don’t share at all our idea of what America is about. For them, it is about blood and soil, about traditional patriarchy and racial hierarchy.”

Yes, it’s not about the wealth gap and the disappearing jobs, it’s all about how dreadful white men are. One might think that this massive ass-kicking would have taught the likes of Krugman that it’s not a good idea to tar and feather entire demographics, but apparently not. And then he ratchets things up with this…

“Is America a failed state and society? It looks truly possible.”

There you have it, the modern “left’s” idea of a failed state is one in which the plutocrats may end up with a little less power.

At The Guardian (of neo-liberalism) Jonathan Freedland screams hysterically that…

“The US has elected its most dangerous leader. We all have plenty to fear” and that, “The people of America have stepped into the abyss. The new president elect is an unstable bigot, sexual predator and compulsive liar; he is capable of anything.”

Beyond that near-psychotic sub-heading, i did not bother reading. As usual with the pseudo-left, it is safe to say that Freedland will provide us with no evidence for his “instability” or his “bigotry,” or his being a “sexual predator.” A liar, well, that he obviously is – he’s a politician, after all.

Others are pretending that they don’t know how this dreadful thing could possibly have happened. This is quite simply a lie. The “liberal” pundits know exactly how this happened – the pseudo-left abandoned the working class and real issues like employment and war in favor of politically correct issues that, for all their bright flashing lights and pretty noises, are not going to do the plutocracy any harm. They threw us all under the bus while pretending to care. They sent American jobs overseas, they bailed out Wall St but not Main St, and they wasted blood and money slaughtering a legion of innocents in Iraq. And now they are whining that most of the electorate has had enough of their bullshit, their insincerity, and their war-mongering and has chosen someone who promises a better future. Even if Trump turns out to be a phony reformer like Sanders and Warren, it is still the left’s fault that this happened. You made your bed, you pseudo-leftist dirtbags, and you set it on fire — now fucking sleep in it.

Then there are the supposedly independent “left wing” outlets like Reader Supported News and Democracy Now. Every single one of these showed their true, plutocratic colors by siding with the neo-liberal, neo-conservative scumbag over her more moderate opponent. These outlets deserve to lose readers by the million. And, unless Trump turns out to be the nightmare his deranged opponents want him to be, i suspect that as the more idiotic leftists wake up and smell the bacon that is exactly what will happen. And what a great opportunity that will be for real leftists to set up alternative sites, sites that don’t whore themselves out to the plutocracy.

And let’s not forget all the pseudo-liberal celebrity scumbags who tried to lead their idiot fans astray. Michael Moore, Miley Cyrus, Robert DeNiro, Cher, Madonna, “Lady” Gaga, Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake and well, just about all of show business except Clint Eastwood, Brad Pitt’s former father in law, and – maybe – Dave Chappelle. Yes, the next time some Muslim nuts want someone to blow up, i suggest they buy one of those maps to stars’ homes!

I should point out, though, that my venom is reserved for those in charge, those with power and influence, those who know exactly what kind of animal Clinton is. The average libtard, well, there’s a reason the “tard” is in there, and it ain’t because they know what they are doing. They are dumb, they are ignorant, and they fell for the media lies. Pretty contemptible given how many of them like to brag about their educations, but not as contemptible as the people selling the lies. To them i say, stop crying and take a closer look at Trump – he’s probably a lot more liberal than you think. And, hey, if nothing else, Amerika finally gets a first lady who doesn’t look like a transsexual who couldn’t afford quite enough estrogen!

But let’s not kid ourselves. The reason this victory is a good thing is that, going on the evidence we currently have, Trump is the lesser of the two weevils. That, however, does not mean he is a saint. Along with the promises to do something about the evils of neo-liberalism and neo-conservatism come worrying stances about things like the environment. And, like so many of his ilk, he could turn out to be a lying sack of shit – remember how lefty Sanders and Warren seemed until it came to the crunch and they started kissing Clinton’s ass. So we are all going to have to be keeping an eye on Cheeto Man, just in case he does turn out to be yet another wolf in sheep’s clothing. Still, he is better than Clinton, whose wolfiness was never in question. So here’s to the orange-hued dude with the dead hamster on his head, and here’s hoping that not only have we avoided the TPP and a few more wars, but that the Amerikan electorate has dealt a deathblow to the twin evils of neo-liberalism and neo-conservatism.

New York Times executive editor Dean Baquet has today penned and published a piece that, he claims, is the culmination of fully three hours of research on internet conspiracy sites.

Baquet claims in the article “Trump – The Truth As Only The Times Can Tell It” that Donald Trump, the former reality TV star and current media pincushion, is quite literally the most evil man the world has ever seen. Baquet claims in the piece that a renowned collector of tinfoil hats, who regularly and unsuccessfully asks him for spare change, last night tipped him off to the internet forum NonsenseConspiracies.com, a site best known to political junkies for insisting that J. Edgar Hoover and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man are in fact the same person.

After rushing home and joining the aforementioned forum using the cunning alias “DefinitelyNotDeanBaquet,” the Pulitzer prize winner proceeded to comb his way through the threads until he bumped into a mysterious character going by the handle “BubbaDRaper.” This shadowy figure in turn sent him down a rabbit hole that eventually wound up at one of StormFront’s “dark web” forums. It was here that Baquet’s search finally led him to one Dr. Otto Von Schnitzel, a nonagenarian who was to reveal the hideous and terrible truth about the man with the dead hamster on his head…

According to Baquet, Von Schnitzel told him that “back in the day” he was the head of the Third Reich’s cryogenics division and therefore also in charge of the mysterious and highly secret “Project Orange.” The aim of “Project Orange” was to save the Fuhrer’s brain after he was killed in that bunker towards the end of the war. According to Von Schnitzel, the claim that his glorious leader committed suicide is a filthy lie propagated by the Worldwide Zionist Conspiracy. The truth, says Dr. Von Schnitzel, is that the great man was actually killed by an exploding suppository, and his brain then scooped out of what remained of his ass.

The brain in question was originally intended for a cryogenic chamber until a suitable host body was available, but as “those Zionist schweine der Amerikaner” had blown up all the Reich’s secret scientific facilities, the brain instead ended up being flown to Mexico. Here it was kept in a cooler for eleven years while the body that we now know as Donald J. Trump was being grown in a bathtub filled with strange and rare chemicals with unpronounceable names, one dead hamster, and several thousand Cheetos by a certain Dr. Hans Herringficker, the “man” once outed by Alex Jones as the leader of the lizard people. Once the body had reached maturity, the Fuhrer’s brain was plopped into its new, brightly colored noggin and the rebooted tyrant was then smuggled into the United States in a van full of taco fixings and badly made piñatas, and the rest is history.

While some may remain skeptical of such a tale coming from such dubious sources, Baquet has no such qualms…

“It all makes perfect sense,” he writes, “as Trump has always shown a suspicious tendency to build gas chambers in his backyard and to refer to Barack Obama as “President Jigaboo.”

Baquet also claims that, according to Von Schnitzel, the true agenda of the Trump-Hitler camp is to declare a Thousand Year Reich, and set up a fascist state in which everyone will have to wear a dead hamster on their head or be subject to execution by drones commandeered from Hillary Clinton’s private collection. Even more shocking is Baquet’s claim that Trump intends to save money on deportation by killing illegal immigrants and selling their carcasses to Mexico for use in their tacos. This, Baquet tells us, is also how Trump plans to get Mexico to finance his much vaunted Wall. He also reveals that the Trump-Hitler camp is very confident of victory, and quotes Dr. Von Schnitzel as saying…

“Ve are certain to vin, if only der glorious Fuhrer can stop himzelf from zaying things like, ‘Deportation? Fuck deportation, let’s just kill all the Mexicans!’”

At this point, Baquet’s article descends into some sort of rambling rant about the evils of mayonnaise, claims that Trump-Hitler built a time machine and went back in time to wipe out the dinosaurs so that they couldn’t provide corporations with cheap labor, and various incoherent complaints about a mysterious figure he refers to only as “The Man.” He finishes off by suggesting that if Hillary Clinton wins she should get the Pentagon to work on some sort of biological agent — perhaps a strain of anthrax – that kills only males whose melanin count falls below a certain threshold, thereby guaranteeing an America free of what Baquet refers to as “those deplorable honky mother fuckers!”

The story has been praised across the liberal media for its undoubted veracity, integrity, and journalistic rigor, and it is already being rumored that it may land Baquet a second Pulitzer prize.