Dear Swine,
I am constantly being harassed by women who seem to find me inexplicably attractive. How can a tall, handsome woman-hater like myself keep the howling feminine hordes at bay without chopping off his legs and sticking his face in one of those old-fashioned metal fans?
Thanks for your help,
Too Hunky 2 B Happy
Dear Too Hunky 2 B Happy,
I know how you feel. Handsome swine that i am, i often find myself the object of unwanted female attention. Being not exactly the mildest of men, i find that the words “Fuck off, you silly cow,” usually have the desired effect. You, however, may want a more civil alternative. Try not using deodorant or aftershave for a few months. If that doesn’t work, try not bathing till the next presidential elections – if anyone asks why you smell so bad just tell them you are a member of Antifa protesting the Trump administration’s treatment of albino transgender dwarves. And if none of that works, try this one – every time you are approached by one of the annoying creatures, simply pick your nose and wipe it on your hair. If this does not work, you should try picking your nose and wiping it on her hair.
Yours sincerely,
The Pigman
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Dear Manpig,
My wife is really getting on my nerves. As we live in a patriarchy i am pretty certain i could get away with killing her, but then who would remove the blood stains from the carpet?
Lazy Bastard,
New Jersey
Dear Lazy Bastard,
One of the many male woes that goes unnoticed by the MSM is the cost of clean up after the act of uxoricide. Sure, our patriarchal society is not going to lock a man up just for killing his wife, but if the killing is especially messy the man in question can be driven to despair — or at the very least be severely inconvenienced. There was a case in Utah where a Mormon didn’t just kill his wife, he killed all his wives – with a chainsaw! It took him days to remove all the blood from the sofa and living room carpets, and he had to get up on a ladder to remove the entrails from the chandeliers! And the poor guy’s afraid of heights!
Of course, this can all be avoided if you get rid of your wife in a less messy way. Try telling her that you have found a barge full of brand new shoes just under the Golden Gate bridge. Drive her out there, and when she looks over and whines that she can’t see any shoes, just give her a good push. If you are lucky, a passing patriarch may even help you with the task.
Yours sincerely,
The Pigman
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Dear Mr. Pig
I am a young man who is being constantly told by the mainstream media and various celebrities and other authority figures that men are jerks. Not being much of a jerk, this is all leading me to feel less manly than the other guys. My question, then, is how can i be more of a jerk and therefore more manly?
2 Nice 2 B A Man
New York, Montana
Dear 2 Nice 2 B A Man
Yours is a common predicament amongst men of your generation. You are constantly told that to be a man is to be a jerk, so of course you feel that you don’t measure up! This is understandable and, indeed, predictable. Being a total jerk myself i do not have this problem but i do know how a nice, average guy can go about becoming a jerk in no time flat.
Manliness is all about hating on those who are different to you, so i suggest that you go and hurt a homosexual’s feelings by telling him that Lady Gaga is Trump’s illegitimate daughter and that all her songs are secretly written by Ted Nugent. You might also want to burst into a mosque and throw pork sausages at everyone while shouting “Suck on those you Muslim faggots!” Hating people of a different race is good too, so you should join the Klan and hang around Stormfront — unless you’re black, in which case you should join Black Lives Matter and hang around Twitter. And if all this fails to make you look like a total and utter jerk, try saying a friendly hello to an attractive young woman.
Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Pig