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The New Sabrina Totally Sucks

The New Sabrina Totally Sucks published on

So they’ve gone and rebooted another Archie Comics character. This time it’s Sabrina The Teenage Witch or, as we now have to call her, Sabrina The SJW Nutcase.

This latest PC atrocity from the pinheads at Netflix is titled, for reasons not entirely clear from a viewing of the first episode, “The Chilling Adventures Of Sabrina,” and is the vile creation of Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, a massive asshole who is now really high up on the Archie totem pole. Seems he’s the one responsible for “Riverdale” and that “Archie Meets The Walking Dead” thing. He’s also of Latino descent. And has written for Marvel comics. And now he’s working for Netflix. These days, we all know precisely what to expect from a person with such a background.

In this bland and rather tedious amalgam of teen drama, supernatural lowjinks, and full-on SJW propaganda, Sabrina (played by Kiernan Shipka, a fairly cute midget best known for co-starring in Mad Men) is surrounded by an entire retinue of the kind of post-modernist stereotypes that SJWs frequently use to try to get the sane people to see the world in the same twisted, batshit crazy way that they do.

First, there’s her boyfriend Harvey. Being a straight white male, he is totally clueless when it comes to important cultural matters such as the subtext of Night Of The Living Dead, amongst other things. Surprisingly, he is also a nice, likable kid, though his name suggests that he will soon turn evil – or into a giant rabbit. And speaking of the whole MeToo thing, this incarnation of Sabrina seems to be a fan of that foul movement. In one scene Sabrina, with typical feminist fondness for gender profiling, asks the principal (an uncaring male jerk, of course) to interrogate ALL football players because some of them have been behaving badly. The patriarchal bastard replies that he is not keen on witch hunts, to which Sabrina retorts that she does not approve of that term. A few years ago we could have taken this as merely a reference to some of Sabrina’s ancestors having been hunted for being witches. But given the feminist nature of the show and how the MeToo crowd reacts when some sensible person questions their constant setting of bonfires, it’s safe to say that young Sabrina is going meta and defending the warlock hunters of MeToo from their many detractors. This is, after all, a girl looking to set up a feminist club at the high school!

Which brings us to her two friends other than the nice but uninteresting white boy. The first is a black girl who wears glasses and spouts feminist cant and must therefore be really, really smart. This is a character who once tried to set up some sort of branch of the Black Panthers at the school. In an earlier era this would have had to be taken as a joke, but nowadays it’s probably meant to show everyone how “woke” she is. Hell, she even whines about the “white patriarchy” as if it were a real thing and as if she – a black female – had to worry more about white men than black men. Then there’s “Suzy,” the target of the aforementioned football players’ bad behaviour. Yes, she is a he. A tranny. Or a she-male. Or is it an hermaphrodite? I’m sure there’s some politically correct term for this kind of weirdo but i don’t really know and i don’t really care. What matters is that what we have here is some poor deluded boy who, probably in an attempt to get better marks in school, has decided to pretend he’s a girl. That such people, along with all the other mentally ill folks, should not be mistreated is a given. That their delusions should be indulged is not. It is, in fact, downright evil, yet that’s what the show does. Everyone is constantly referring to him as a her, constantly driving into the audience’s heads the idea that just because someone claims to be something they must, indeed, be that something. It’s the harassment of this “Suzy” guy that leads Sabrina (played by Shipka Tiernan) to create a women’s society at the school. A society that “Suzy” will be a part of. Despite the fact that he isn’t a woman. Yes, folks, it’s that wonderful SJW disregard for science, facts, and reason striking once again, and it’s especially vile to see it in a show aimed at the young and impressionable.

There are quite a few other signs of rampant SJWness to be had. Living with Sabrina (played by Sheepkin Nearman) and her two witchy aunts is some gay, black cousin of hers who is not allowed to leave the plantation, which leads me to suspect that the witches are Democrats. It’s not just their insistence on keeping the black guy in his place, there’s also the fact that they eat human flesh for dinner and worship someone called The Dark Lord, a character no doubt based on George Soros. We also have a racially diverse trio of witches who place a curse on our poor heroine. We don’t know what this curse is, but it probably has something to do with starring in a really lame show. Then there’s the villainess of the piece, a witch or something in service of the Dark Lord who actually uses terms such as “puritanical masculinity” and “misogyny,” and goes on about how women should be running everything. The fact that she is the villainess suggests that she is just an evil entity false flagging the feminist movement because, as we all know, misandry ain’t a real thing.

Strangely enough, Sabrina herself is a rather innocuous creature – if you call murdering an innocent bat being innocuous – who has doubts as to whether or not she should become a servant of the Dark Lord. Unfortunately, the fact that she is a feminist does not augur well and one suspects it won’t be long before she joins her aunts as an unholy, flesh eating servant of Satan. I suspect that poor young Harvey will be first on the menu, and that he will last be seen roasting on a slow spit with an apple in his mouth.

Another aspect of this show that did not please me at all is that it is part of the corrupting of everything that has become so fashionable in popular culture. As a life-long fan of horror movies i clearly have no problem with dark subject matter, but that does not mean that everything has to be turned into some twisted, dark version of its former cute, funny self. Darkness has its place, but so does the light. I no more wish to see a cute cartoony version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre than i wish to see a version of My Little Pony in which Pinkie Pie goes psycho and kills everyone and sends their bodies to the glue factory! In popular culture we need the cute and funny, and we need the dark and unpleasant, and getting rid of the former will only result in a darker, bleaker world and who the fuck needs that?

So, other than the fact that it is unadulterated SJW swill, is this show worth watching? Not really. For one thing, while darker than it should be for such a character, the thing is not dark enough for horror fans. The closest we get to scary is the scene in which Sabrina first meets her black cat familiar Salem. We briefly see him in his goblin form, but that’s it. (Sabrina, of course, treats this cat-goblin not as a servant but as an equal. Very egalitarian of her, i must say — if only the other black resident of the house could get the same consideration from her blue-tinged aunts!) The other huge problem with the show is that its attempts at humour fall flat on their faces, mostly because of the SJW-ness of the whole thing. The writers seem totally unaware that since SJWs have become a parody of themselves, most people don’t know when they are joking and when they are being serious, and hence won’t know when there is a joke going on! Prime example — the above-mentioned bit about the black nerd girl and the Black Panthers. On the positive side, the cinematography is quite nice, Sabrina (played by Sheepish Gherkin) makes for a likable lead, there’s a cute kitty and…er…did i mention the cute kitty?