After weeks of speculation about her failing health, Republicans and genuine left wingers ( all three of us ) were today pleasantly surprised when the latest batch of leaked DNC emails showed that presidential candidate and suspected demoness Hillary Clinton has, in fact, been dead for the last six months!

According to the Guccifer 2.0 leaks, Clinton perished back in March from a massive heart attack brought on by ingesting too much hot sauce in a vain attempt to impress a crowd of black people. She was rushed to the local hospital when she collapsed but, being in a black neighborhood, the hospital had no defibrillators and Mrs. Clinton was unable to be revived — a fact that impressed the black people present far more than her little stunt with the hot sauce. Wasting no time, then DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz had Hillary Clinton pickled and fitted with a rig that allows her to be even more of a corporate puppet in death than she was in life.

According to an email from vice-presidential hopeful Tim Kaine to current vice-president and walking punchline Joe Biden, Mrs. Clinton’s carcass is being operated by husband and suspected rapist Bill Clinton, and daughter and confirmed mirror breaker, Chelsea Clinton, both of whom are always carefully camouflaged in order to blend into whatever background the increasingly pungent Mrs. Clinton is placed against. According to Kaine, Bill stands behind her holding up her corpse, as he has for so long held up her political career, and wildly flailing her arms around, while Chelsea stands to the side manipulating her moldering mater’s facial expressions and doing the hilariously grating voice. The leaked exchange between Kaine and Biden also revealed that the real reason Biden did not himself go for the presidency was that he was afraid he would never be able to get the “black people smell” out of the Oval Office.

More shocking revelations here.