Homophobes everywhere are in for a shock today after the Almighty Creator of Everything That Is cleared up a mistake that has long caused much rejoicing amongst many of his followers. Speaking to me earlier today, The Great And Wondrous One announced that, contrary to common belief amongst his adherents, he does not hate fags…
“I know it’s been reported widely that I hate fags, but I never said that. What I told Moses while he was writing Leviticus was that I hated stags! S-T-A-G-S! Not fags, stags!”
Surprised by this revelation I asked The Great And Holy One why he has such animosity towards the male of the deer species…
“Well, Pigster, I only made the stupid things to serve as a sort of primitive clotheslines, but it didn’t occur to me they would be so restless! Back when I was hanging out in Eden with that joker and his spare rib I would wash my robe till it was all sparkling white then drape it over a stag’s antlers so it could dry in the warm breeze that wafted eternally through paradise. Then I would sit under the Tree of Knowledge and doze off. By the time I awoke, the freaking stag had wandered off, taking my robe with him! Imagine – me, the Creator of All That Is standing there in nothing but a pair of baggy tighty whities! It’s undignified! So yeah, that’s what I told Moses when he was writing Leviticus  – I hate stags. But you know, old Moses was always a bit of a dyslexic so things got lost in translation, so to speak. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some penguins to kill.”
Well, I hope this clears up this long-standing and really rather inconvenient mistake. Today, we must all agree, has been a very good day for fags, er…I mean homosexuals everywhere. For penguins, however, it is a different story.
Update
Reaction to this morning’s interview with God has been swift and wide-reaching. After reading the interview Fred Phelps, Founder of Westoboro Baptist, immediately announced that he had wasted his time on earth barking up the wrong tree and that in his despair he would later this week be committing suicide by inhaling next to a Mexican.
More progressive members of the church have announced that they would from now on focus their righteous hatred on the true enemy of human morality – the stag. A representative told us that the church has just bought the domain godhatesstags.com and that starting Wednesday they will be picketing in front of zoos and national park gates…
“From now on, it shall be our holy mission to eradicate these robe-stealing, cud-chewing abominations from the face of the earth. Our signs will bear slogans such as “God Hates Stags, Why Don’t You?” and “Stags Are Lucifer In Disguise” as well as “God Kills Soldiers Because America Tolerates Stags!”
In response to Westboro’s new mission. Mr. GrassRunner Whitetail, president of the National Alliance Against Defamation of Deers as well as vice-president of the League of Oppressed Animals had this to say…
“What the fuck? What have we ever done to them?!?! All we do is hang out in the woods eating grass and leaves and stuff! Hey! Hey, these aren’t the bastards who killed Bambi’s mom, are they? Hey, you Westboro freaks — fuck you, you orphan makers!”
Perhaps not wishing to further inflame an already volatile state of affairs, PETA has yet to make a statement on the situation.