Can this one really be real? Has the sexual assault hysteria gotten this bad? Hey, that story about Ms Piggy being given a feminist award turned out to be true, so stranger things have happened.

A British woman holidaying in Gibraltar has apparently tried to have a monkey charged with sexually assaulting her after the lascivious bastard felt her up and pulled off her bikini!

Seems the poor creature ( the woman, not the monkey ) was busy throwing peanuts when two monkeys, no doubt drunk on their patriarchal power and sense of entitlement, started pulling at her clothing and hair…

“I felt totally helpless as these two monkeys grabbed and pawed me in my most intimate areas… Then, with a yank, one of them pulled my bikini top straight off… I was being sexually assaulted and these people all thought it was a great joke,” she screeched hysterically, before launching into a rambling discourse on the possibility that the monkeys may, in fact, be shape-shifting lizard people.

The woman, whose name is Melissa Hart ( yeah, rather like the actress who played Sabrina, The Teenage Witch, which is one reason I suspect this story may contain more bull than it does monkey ) then insisted on calling the police. On their arrival the police, with typical patriarchal callousness towards victims of sexual assault, refused to charge the offending monkeys, citing the ludicrous idea that animals can’t be held responsible for any crime. But, as we all know, that’s just patriarchal code for “Women don’t matter!”

No news on whether the woman, having failed in seeking a criminal prosecution, will try to gain redress by suing the monkey in question.

Degenerate simian here