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Four Uses For A Dead Woman

Four Uses For A Dead Woman published on

Now, we all know women aren’t good for much when they are alive, what with their tiny,
underdeveloped brains, their small pathetic muscles, and their inability to tolerate even a
paper cut without screaming for an ambulance. But what about once the poor dears
have cast off this mortal coil, kicked the bucket, bought the farm? In other words,
dropped dead?

Surely, then they must be of some use. Now, i have not spent much time with dead
women ( they are hideously boring even when alive, so i can’t imagine having to hang out with dead ones ) but it does strike me that death would bring some good uses for these otherwise useless creatures. So far, i have come up with four. Not as many as I would like, but it’s three more uses than i have for a live woman.

One : Fertilizer. Yes, that otherwise pointless carcass is just full of the sort of nutrients your roses and hydrangeas will love. Most women would provide about 150 lbs of fertilizer, which is enough to keep the average garden going for a whole year. The average North American woman could keep an entire industrial scale farm going for most of a decade. But we don’t own big farms, so the average woman will do nicely. What we must remember is that women smell even worse when they are dead than they do when they are alive, so you have to use them before they become really putrid. Within 24 hours of death is a good rule of thumb. Also, make sure to properly mulch your woman before spreading her on your garden soil, otherwise she is likely to be eaten by scavengers and family pets and this will mean all your hard work has been for nothing.

Two : Doorstops. For this purpose, small women are best so i recommend Asian ones. You certainly don’t want some 200 lb American walrus for this particular job. Your dead woman will have to be stuffed by an expert specializing in dead animals, and arranged into some sort of compact position. I recommend a sitting, fetal position, that can be achieved by wrapping the carcass in wire or string. A more exotic alternative to having your woman stuffed is to have her pickled in a large bottle, like a prize squash or something. This will make not only for an interesting conversation piece but also for a heavier and therefore more effective doorstop.

Three : Coffee Tables. Positioned on all fours, a woman of average size will provide a table high enough to be positioned in front of your sofa so you have somewhere to rest your feet and your beer while playing video games. Women have notoriously spindly limbs, so i recommend re-enforcing your woman with some 2 by 4s. Otherwise, you may find your woman collapsing at the most inopportune of moments. Taller women, such as Geena Davis and other Orc-human hybrids, can be used as dining tables but such women are hard to find, especially dead.

Four : Shark Bait. For this, you will need not only a woman but a boat, a very strong fishing pole, and an ax. The ax will be required to cut the woman into pieces manageable enough to be placed on the hook, yet large enough to look appetizing to the sharks. Arms and legs are the best bait, but the head, as in life, is pretty useless. The torso is too big for any but the largest sharks but can be chopped up into chum which can then be thrown into the water to attract the sharks.

Where to obtain your dead woman

This one is not as hard as it seems. Dead women are plentiful, especially in areas where female-specific disasters are likely to occur. Malls, for example, are often the site of female deaths brought about by some woman missing out on that pair of shoes she just had to have, jumping off the highest level, and splattering herself all over the ground. If you are quick enough, you may be able to scoop her up, put her in a wheelbarrow and run off before management calls the morgue. Another good place to find dead women is at boy band concerts. These are usually young women who have died from estrogen poisoning while screaming frantically at the latest teen idol, and they die in such large quantities that you can usually find dumpsters full of them in alleys surrounding the concert venue.

So there you have it, four uses for a dead woman, four useful things you can do with these otherwise useless little people. Just goes to show that in God’s wonderful plan every creature, no matter how lowly, has its purpose. Yes, even women.

Donald Sutherland is ashamed of being male. And white.

Donald Sutherland is ashamed of being male. And white. published on

Strangely enough, he seems quite proud to be Canadian. Go figure.

Needless to say, this Donald, unlike the other one, is a massive, massive pussy. And a total embarrassment to both his sex and race. Here’s an idea, you senile old coot — why don’t you start identifying as a black woman? Because we sure as hell don’t want you over here.

And how about Helen Mirren, hey? Who is it that, worldwide, is more privileged than a rich white male like Sutherland? Yes, it’s a rich white female like Mirren! Utter scum, this woman. It’s like a rich white man telling some black guy in the ghetto that he, the black guy, is the privileged one!

Cry, Miley, Cry. Then Go Jump In A Volcano.

Cry, Miley, Cry. Then Go Jump In A Volcano. published on

My reaction to this post at The_Donald was to literally laugh out loud! Here’s Miley Cyrus literally crying about Trump’s surprise victory and going on about how Clinton has given her life to serve the American public! What a loser this kid turned out to be! She actually claims to have an open heart — which, these days, means that you back a neo-conservative child-killer. As for her open mind, she’s right about that — it must be very open, which explains why people keep shoveling shit into it. And the arrogance of offering to set that terrible, terrible man straight! He’s been alive three times longer than she has and she thinks she has something to teach him? Talk about teaching your grandfather how to suck eggs! This, boys and girls, is schadenfreude at its best…

Holy Crap! Trump Won!

Holy Crap! Trump Won! published on

“Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”

Seriously, there is no more appropriate way to cautiously celebrate this unprecedented and surreal event, this hiccup in the time-space continuum, this welcome but bizarre victory than with that famous bit of nonsense!

So, against all the odds, the man with the dead hamster on his head has made it into the White House. He has weathered the most vicious bi-partisan attack in living memory and kicked the establishment’s ass from here to Alpha Centauri. Man, did i breathe a sigh of relief when i saw those wonderful numbers putting him ahead of Psycho Granny. Sure, he is no Messiah, but neither is he rattling his saber at Russia! So congratulations to you, sir, you doer of the undoable, you walking contradiction, you poor man’s billionaire. And don’t forget – if you turn out to be another scumbag, i still have that drone that i used to blow up Obama’s dog!

One of the great pleasures of this victory is that it is also Clinton’s loss. No history books for you, you mass-murdering piece of filth! That was always one of the worst things about this situation – the possibility that such a lowlife might go down in history (insert your own Lewinsky joke here – i can’t do all the work!) simply for being the first woman to get the job. This way, maybe a woman who is a decent human being may be the one to some day get the honor – i doubt it, though, it is the US presidency after all.

Another fun bit is watching morons who think they are liberals gnash their teeth, rend their garments and wail in despair at this ideological Armageddon! “The end is nigh!” they howl lugubriously into the cold and uncaring night! According to Breitbart, one hysterical Latina moaned, just before crawling back under the table with a bottle of Tequila, “Our lives are not safe — as queer women, as brown women,” Yes, honey, Trump is going to exterminate the gays and the Latinos… This, folks, is the kind of idiocy that dominates today’s liberal ground troops. Another one actually admitted that, “We feel like we live in a bubble…” And, indeed, she probably does. Which is why the little shit probably does not care about anyone except herself and her latte sipping friends. You know, i kinda feel sorry for this kind. Unlike their leaders, they probably aren’t bad people, most of them are probably just morons who believe whatever CNN and the NYTimes tell them to. Still, they almost put in the White House a woman who can best be described as Dick Cheney in drag, and that means they won’t be getting any free Kleenex from me.

And then there’s the media leadership of the pseudo-left. Such as the aforementioned NYTimes and The Guardian. Having failed in their attempts to keep the plutocracy’s jackboots on Joe Average’s throat, they are now resorting to predicting the end of the world while blaming whiteness and maleness. Writes Paul Krugman at the NYTimes…

“There turn out to be a huge number of people — white people, living mainly in rural areas — who don’t share at all our idea of what America is about. For them, it is about blood and soil, about traditional patriarchy and racial hierarchy.”

Yes, it’s not about the wealth gap and the disappearing jobs, it’s all about how dreadful white men are. One might think that this massive ass-kicking would have taught the likes of Krugman that it’s not a good idea to tar and feather entire demographics, but apparently not. And then he ratchets things up with this…

“Is America a failed state and society? It looks truly possible.”

There you have it, the modern “left’s” idea of a failed state is one in which the plutocrats may end up with a little less power.

At The Guardian (of neo-liberalism) Jonathan Freedland screams hysterically that…

“The US has elected its most dangerous leader. We all have plenty to fear” and that, “The people of America have stepped into the abyss. The new president elect is an unstable bigot, sexual predator and compulsive liar; he is capable of anything.”

Beyond that near-psychotic sub-heading, i did not bother reading. As usual with the pseudo-left, it is safe to say that Freedland will provide us with no evidence for his “instability” or his “bigotry,” or his being a “sexual predator.” A liar, well, that he obviously is – he’s a politician, after all.

Others are pretending that they don’t know how this dreadful thing could possibly have happened. This is quite simply a lie. The “liberal” pundits know exactly how this happened – the pseudo-left abandoned the working class and real issues like employment and war in favor of politically correct issues that, for all their bright flashing lights and pretty noises, are not going to do the plutocracy any harm. They threw us all under the bus while pretending to care. They sent American jobs overseas, they bailed out Wall St but not Main St, and they wasted blood and money slaughtering a legion of innocents in Iraq. And now they are whining that most of the electorate has had enough of their bullshit, their insincerity, and their war-mongering and has chosen someone who promises a better future. Even if Trump turns out to be a phony reformer like Sanders and Warren, it is still the left’s fault that this happened. You made your bed, you pseudo-leftist dirtbags, and you set it on fire — now fucking sleep in it.

Then there are the supposedly independent “left wing” outlets like Reader Supported News and Democracy Now. Every single one of these showed their true, plutocratic colors by siding with the neo-liberal, neo-conservative scumbag over her more moderate opponent. These outlets deserve to lose readers by the million. And, unless Trump turns out to be the nightmare his deranged opponents want him to be, i suspect that as the more idiotic leftists wake up and smell the bacon that is exactly what will happen. And what a great opportunity that will be for real leftists to set up alternative sites, sites that don’t whore themselves out to the plutocracy.

And let’s not forget all the pseudo-liberal celebrity scumbags who tried to lead their idiot fans astray. Michael Moore, Miley Cyrus, Robert DeNiro, Cher, Madonna, “Lady” Gaga, Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake and well, just about all of show business except Clint Eastwood, Brad Pitt’s former father in law, and – maybe – Dave Chappelle. Yes, the next time some Muslim nuts want someone to blow up, i suggest they buy one of those maps to stars’ homes!

I should point out, though, that my venom is reserved for those in charge, those with power and influence, those who know exactly what kind of animal Clinton is. The average libtard, well, there’s a reason the “tard” is in there, and it ain’t because they know what they are doing. They are dumb, they are ignorant, and they fell for the media lies. Pretty contemptible given how many of them like to brag about their educations, but not as contemptible as the people selling the lies. To them i say, stop crying and take a closer look at Trump – he’s probably a lot more liberal than you think. And, hey, if nothing else, Amerika finally gets a first lady who doesn’t look like a transsexual who couldn’t afford quite enough estrogen!

But let’s not kid ourselves. The reason this victory is a good thing is that, going on the evidence we currently have, Trump is the lesser of the two weevils. That, however, does not mean he is a saint. Along with the promises to do something about the evils of neo-liberalism and neo-conservatism come worrying stances about things like the environment. And, like so many of his ilk, he could turn out to be a lying sack of shit – remember how lefty Sanders and Warren seemed until it came to the crunch and they started kissing Clinton’s ass. So we are all going to have to be keeping an eye on Cheeto Man, just in case he does turn out to be yet another wolf in sheep’s clothing. Still, he is better than Clinton, whose wolfiness was never in question. So here’s to the orange-hued dude with the dead hamster on his head, and here’s hoping that not only have we avoided the TPP and a few more wars, but that the Amerikan electorate has dealt a deathblow to the twin evils of neo-liberalism and neo-conservatism.

Cheeto Man Vs Psycho Granny – Who Will Win?

Cheeto Man Vs Psycho Granny – Who Will Win? published on

Hell, i don’t know! What am i, psychic?!?!?! From what i have seen of the polls it looks like Clinton is a bit ahead, though i suspect the polls are hiding a lot of Trump supporters so it could very well be Trump who wins and by quite a margin. You see, not only is there the possibility that the polls – which are part of the establishment that Trump is threatening to shit on – are downplaying Trump’s lead in an attempt to not make Demoncrats think that it’s all over and that they shouldn’t even bother to vote, but it is entirely possible that many Trump voters are telling pollsters that they are planning to vote for Clinton! Why would anyone do such a bizarre thing, you ask? What a deplorable question that is! That’s right – unlike most election cycles, it is not only the candidate that is being vilified but also his deplorable and irredeemable supporters! Under such circumstances, there is bound to be some dissembling amongst the vilified, partly for purely psychological reasons but also for more practical reasons such as being afraid the pollster will tell your blue-tinted neighbors that you are a Nazi and that you will end up at the wrong end of a baseball bat! Based on all this, i hope it will be Trump who gets in, if only by a narrow margin. That’s barring the kind of fraud that the so-called left takes seriously when they are the ones making the claim, but which they dismiss as mere conspiracy theory when it’s the other guy that’s worried his vote may end up in a digital landfill somewhere.

So, what will happen if one or the other wins?

First, let me wipe my ass by getting Hillary Clinton out of the way. If Clinton wins, we are almost certainly in for a couple more endless (and endlessly profitable) wars in those countries that practice the so-called religion of peace. Now, i don’t want the West flooded with Muslim savages, but neither do i want psychopathic neo-cons going around blowing said savages and their kiddies to Kingdom Come. This is something that many “leftists” fail to grasp – just because you don’t want the smelly, crazy, homeless man down the street sleeping on your couch does not mean that you want him dead!

A Clinton presidency will also mean the continuation of the twin evils of neo-liberalism and globalization. As she told some of the puppet masters, a huge market with open borders is the kind of thing that gets her otherwise dried up blood really flowing. Count on the TPP being passed, count on millions of illegal immigrants willing to work for peanuts being given amnesty, count on more poverty, count on more unemployment, and count on more misery.

But the worst thing about Clinton is the possibility that she will start a direct or indirect war with The Big Angry Bear What Has Nukes! Wouldn’t that be wonderful, boys and girls? A full-on war between the world’s two great nuclear powers! The Amerikans and the Russians get vaporized, and the rest of the world gets to die slowly from radiation poisoning – how’s that for making your mark on history, Granny? But that, i hope, is the worst case scenario and only an outside possibility…

From a men’s rights perspective, a Clinton presidency won’t mean quite the
holocaust so many MRAs seem to fear. While Clinton getting into the WH will embolden a lot of feminists, there won’t be that much practical change. There can’t be, as Clinton herself has made it clear that she is talking shit whenever she addresses the feminist part of her constituency. If you don’t believe me, check out the Wikileaks bit where she tells the puppet masters that the US does not need any new laws to give women “equal pay,” as they already have such laws! She might make the penal system even easier on women, but even that seems unlikely – the corporate sector makes too much money out of their convict slaves. She could, of course, just replace those female cons by locking up more males, which would be in keeping with her style. But other than that i can’t see much happening. Probably the biggest effect will be a psychological one – more female sexism, more girl power crap, more articles and books about how wonderful women are and so on. But much of this will be countered by the fact that Trump getting the nomination and almost winning the WH will embolden a lot of us “deplorables.” Contrary to the pseudo-left’s wishes, the anti-PC, anti-plutocratic crusade begun by Cheeto Man is not about to go away any time soon. Most of us irredeemable types will feel down for a couple of days, drown our sorrows in beer and video games, and then set about trying to finish the revolution Trump has started knowing that this time we almost did it — next time, the establishment may not be so lucky. Next time, just enough people may ignore the one-sided MSM to get us the “deplorable” president the world deserves. On the other hand, if the fall of trump is allowed to happen, any other outsider – left, right or both – might never stand a chance. The all-out assault by all elements of the establishment on someone who poses an actual threat to the dominant order, if allowed to succeed, will set a precedent that will haunt Amerika for decades to come. Sure, they probably won’t be as vicious as they have been with the obnoxious Trump, but they will be just as dishonest and just as biased. When a nice, civil outsider comes along, you can guarantee that they will be portrayed as soft-spoken yet dangerous lunatics ( the establishment came pretty close to doing this with Bernie Sanders ) and that such attacks will be more numerous unless said outsider, like Trump, has a shit-load of well paid lawyers just dying to sue. I say this with no hyperbole — the fall of Trump may very well be the fall of all hope for meaningful reform in the United States Of Wall Street.

As for me personally, a Clinton victory will mean i get to spend the next four to eight years attacking all those dirtbag celebs and moronic liberals who voted for the TPP and the endless wars. Hey, it’s not much, but in a world this corrupt and insane, it’s all that we, the sane minority, have left! If nothing else, a Clinton presidency will be great for those of us who love a good internet fight. Unless Hillary Clinton starts a war with Russia, in which case we may all be vaporized before we can even get to our keyboards…

And what happens if Trump wins? Well, unless Trump is an even more egregious liar than his opponent – chances are that he isn’t, since, given how much the elites hate him, he probably isn’t going around telling the folks one thing in public then telling Wall St another in private – both neo-liberalism and neo-conservatism will take a well-deserved kick to the teeth. Hopefully the TPP will be pelted with Molotov cocktails and go down in flames, the neo-conservatives will be handed over to ISIS, and the US will go back to trying to take over the world the old fashioned way – by using McDonald’s and Hollywood rather than the Marines and Lockheed Martin. That alone would be a great improvement on the last fifteen years, especially for those who prefer their sand yellow, not red.

And will Trump build the much-vaunted Wall? Frankly, i doubt it. I expect him to crack down on migration – he pretty much has to unless he wants to be one of those one-term losers – but i suspect his wall will be a figurative one. Beyond that, who the hell can say what he’s going to do? Trump is certainly not going to make America great again, at least not from the working class perspective, as those days depended on lots of jobs – jobs that are being taken not only by illegals but also by machines that can’t be sent back over the border. But he probably won’t make it any worse than it is, which is what Clinton is certain to do with the TPP and whatever other hideous rabbit she is planning on pulling out of her hat. And could Trump be some sort of secret leftist? Could he be, as some conservatives have said all along, a RINO? Could he even be the re-incarnation of Uncle Karl? I doubt it. Leftist plutocrats are few and far between. A less evil plutocrat, that’s one thing – an angelic plutocrat is quite another. He’s probably more liberal than most people realize, and certainly less right wing than Clinton – though obviously also far less politically correct – but a full-on leftist i don’t expect him to be. Maybe some sort of third way guy that throws strict ideology out the window and combines what is good about the old-time left and what little is good about the right. And if Trump does establish this third way and it actually makes people’s lives better, maybe it will spread to the rest of the world and deal the neo-liberals an even greater blow. We can only hope.

A less tangible effect of a Trump win will be a huge surge in “deplorable” attitudes. Like it or not, in a weird, psycho-social sort of way, many people will feel that if the president says it’s cool, then it must be cool. This will hopefully lead to a wave of anti-PC attitudes which, hopefully, will finally destroy this great evil. Make no mistake, PC has little to do with helping the oppressed and everything to do with causing division amongst the lower classes through unjustified accusations of sexism, racism etc. Hell, just the other day some PC twit on Reddit accused me of being racist for shortening Pakistanis to Pakis! And this was in regard to a post in which i attacked Clinton for using drones to blow up – you guessed it – Pakistanis! Racism? If it is, i ain’t doin’ it right! The other use for PC is to hide the neo-liberal, neo-conservative nature of the Demoncrats and their elite supporters. They must be cool, right? Because, even though they want to send jobs overseas and blow up as many foreign Muslims as they can find, at least they aren’t calling Caitlyn Jenner any nasty names!

Also on the less tangible side of things, a Trump victory would be a huge psychological victory for the lower classes – Trump may be rich, but he’s still, somehow, perceived as lower-class. It’s weird as hell, but this billionaire is seen as less upper-class than his multi-millionaire foe! That’s because, as Old Money will tell you, there’s more to being upper-class than having a lot of shekels. For all his wealth, Trump is too tasteless, too tacky, too crass, to be truly one of the aristocracy. He is, in essence, LBJ with a fuck-load of money pouring out of his bunghole! And just like LBJ, he probably has more than one velvet painting of Elvis in his bathroom and everyone knows it! So, ironically, this filthy rich version of Trailer Park Bubba getting into the white house would make a lot of ordinary folks feel that they too may some day end up in a position of power. And as long as the Bubbas in question aren’t psychos like Clinton’s Bubba or retards like George W, that’s fine by me.

But what if all the doomsayers are correct? What if the old guy really is batshit crazy and decides to nuke Mexico because there were bugs in his burrito? What if he is actually the King Of The Lizard People? What if he is literally Hitler? What if, as one Christian Never-Trumper once told me, he is literally the Antichrist? What if underneath all that orange-hued, inarticulate goofiness lies not a mere doofus but someone who will bring all of existence to a screaming, blood-drenched end? Obviously, to anyone except the kind of retard who dominates the pseudo-left, all this is pretty far fetched. I guess it’s not totally impossible that he’s literally nuts, but there is no actual evidence that he is going to be anything as nightmarish as his haters would like him to be. And see, that’s the thing – Trump may turn out to be evil, but Clinton is certain to be evil because that’s what her record shows her to be! This is a woman who votes for unjustified wars, helps to blow up Paki children with Obama’s drones, laughs maniacally at the (admittedly well-deserved ) death of that Lybian dirtbag, and admits to her plutocratic masters that her private views are different to her public ones! The choice is stark, but obvious – who do you want babysitting your kids? The confirmed serial killer, or someone who may or may not be a serial killer? It’s not a pretty choice, but neither is it a very hard one to make.