Last month, wannabe model Rebecca Leigh Crimmins got on the piss and decided to do something a judge later referred to as “disgusting and abhorrent.”
So what did the blonde inebriate do? Did she take a dump on a nun? Did she feed Amy Winehouse’s carcass to the Queen’s corgis? No, she wetted a tampon in cordial, then – I can barely bring myself to describe it – repeatedly dabbed a McDonald’s worker on the hand while claiming she had found it in her fries!
This unprecedented atrocity resulted in a charge of common assault and sixty days of community service, presumably checking boxes of fries for stray tampons. There was a time – a saner time – when a mere apology would do, but not now. Now you can actually go to jail for such actions. How anyone can see such a harmless prank as an assault is beyond my simple intellect. No harm was done, the tampon wasn’t wet from blood so the grossout factor is greatly minimized and the potential for infection is non-existent, yet this could have landed the poor cow in jail. One has to wonder if the obviously smart people who make the laws truly believe such actions constitute assault, or if they are simply trying – successfully – to create a society where everyone is walking around on eggshells, scared shitless to do any of the thousands of things that could land you in jail these days.
In my view such draconian zeal when it comes to these harmless “crimes” is for the most part an attempt to quash dissent before it even arises. After all, if a stupid joke can land you in jail, should you even think of joining a protest when the government has told you not to? Shit, no – that could get you a lot worse than some community service, and that’s if you survive the arrest.
South African executive Katherine Goldberg downed a pint of whiskey, then got frisky.
Seems the inebriated jackass decided to make a subtle pass at a male member of the cabin crew by making a literal grab for his genitals, presumably because she was too lazy to take her vibrator out of the overhead compartment. What gets me about this is not so much the fact that yet another area of obnoxiousness is being invaded by what used to be mysteriously referred to as The Gentle Sex, but rather the ludicrous fact that in the U.K groping someone can land you in jail for ten years! Regardless of the culprit’s sex, how the fuck does any rational person justify ten years in a jail cell for such a minor sin? Maybe a fine, or some mandatory counseling, but any more for such a minor assault seems to me sadistic, and one of those things meant to keep everyone scared shitless while giving the government an excuse to lock up as many people as possible.
And a whole pint of hard liquor? That’s like, half a liter, two metric cups, sixteen onces! I’m surprised the stupid cow didn’t throw up on him as well! At least I hope she didn’t – in the UK that would probably get her another five years in Her Majesty’s Hotel.
More on The Case Of The Pickled, Penis-Pulling Pervert here
… where you go to church or you go to jail.
Or to be more accurate, where you go to church instead of jail.
The Alabama city of Bay Minette has put in place a program which allows misdemeanor offenders to choose between jail and a fine, or a year of weekly church attendance. The ROC (get it? Bit of Christian humor there.) program will purportedly achieve two things. One is a reduction in the costs associated with running the hoosegow, the other is the supposed rehabilitation of the miscreants in question. While this is all a bit of a worry and can be seen as a way of coercing people into being brainwashed into voting for the religious loons on the Right, it does do away with jail sentences for minor crims, an unexpectedly civilized step for any country, much less the one with the highest proportion of its citizens behind bars.
Personally, I don’t care about crestfallen preachers, but I suspect these guys will be disappointed in how transient the faith of their new congregates will be. One year of spouting pious claptrap about the Angry Old Man in the Sky, then it’s back to stealing cars while smoking dope and bargaining with the local hookers!
And check out the preacher who claims that people who “fall in love” with Jesus are a help not an injury to society! Because as we’ve seen from the crusades, to the inquisition, to George W and to Anders Breivik, if there is one factor that will prevent an individual from fucking shit up, it’s having a thing for the J-Man.
Cheech and Chong do hard time here
Oh dear, the Land of Oz is turning into Old Blighty. As many already know, the UK has some ridiculously strict defamation laws, and if this recent case is anything to go by Australia is going down the same slippery slope.
A couple of years ago a well known comedian called Mick Molloy made a joke about some thin-skinned woman cheating on her husband. That’s all it was, a joke put out there by a man who nobody in their right mind takes seriously. Yet the woman, failed Labor politician Nicole Cornes, has just won an $85,000 lawsuit against Molloy and the TV station that broadcast the alleged defamation.
What this means is that in Australia, unless you have a corporation backing you, you had better not say anything negative about anyone who can afford a good lawyer, no matter how obvious it would be to a reasonable person that you weren’t being serious. This seems to me bad news for Australian political bloggers as well as for the independent press, who would easily be ruined by such a settlement. It’s also bad news for the lower strata of society, since as we have seen time and again, the mainstream media cares little for anyone other than the rich, the powerful, and a few fashionable causes amongst which neither the poor nor homeless are to be found.
A caveat to American bloggers – an Australian called Joe Gutnick once successfully sued an American publication for defaming him, but he did so under the stricter Australian laws. You heard me. Gutnick sued a bunch of Americans not under their country’s law, but under ours. Why did he succeed? Because the allegations may have been made by Americans writing in America, but they did so on a website, which means he was being defamed in Australia whenever someone viewed the offending site. At least that was the excuse. And Gutnick’s target wasn’t some small fish either, it was Dow Jones, so keep in mind that you are less liable to our fascist laws, but by no means immune.
17 year old British boy Luke Angel has been banned from the U.S for the rest of his life (he’ll be allowed to apply for permanent residency once he’s dead) for sending a vitriolic email to the false messiah currently acting as a front for America’s corporate kingpins.
The boy in question admits to calling Obama a prick, though according to a police spokesman the letter did also contain “threatening language”.
But given that the offending missive was written by a kid who was drunk at the time, unless it outlined a sophisticated Al Qaeda backed plan to put nitroglycerine in Obama’s favorite basketball, the reaction seems both overdone and the kind of harsh treatment reserved for the male of the species – even when he’s just a stupid kid with a big mouth.
The U.S authorities are refusing to give us the details of the case as we are only proles, but Joanne Ferreira from the Department of Homeland Security did say that there are about 60 reasons why a person can be banned.
She didn’t tell us what those 60 reasons are but apparently political dissent is now one of them. Or to be more serious, it may be on its way to becoming one of them. If the world accepts what may be a case of punishing political dissent, it will be easier in the future for the U.S to do this in a case that is definitely a matter of punishing political dissent.
Bit by bit, that’s how you boil a frog.